by Orly | Mar 20, 2017 | Blog
I feel like my life is on hold .. like I’m holding my breath until everything changes. This is a familiar feeling to me. I’ve spent years in this state. So I will explore it now while I live in this three week hiatus until my life begins anew. Right now three weeks feels like a long time .. but I’m present to the need to keep on taking small steps toward my bigger vision despite the state of overwhelm and drowning in uncertainty that I seem to be in.
Three weeks is when a large amount of stuff that represents the attachments and histories of other people will be moved out of my house. It represents a huge milestone in my transformation and in stepping into a life that is of my own choosing rather than one that adapts haphazardly to the paths of other people. It took a certain amount of insanity and a determination to look at what I was not dealing with to see the impact of my determined neglect of my needs. What that neglect afforded me was firstly, very little need to interact with others, which then became a need to NOT interact with others since I wasn’t good at lobbying for myself.
Turns out I do have needs .. and desires .. if I let myself be present to them. Seems even like they may be my ticket for my reentering the earthly realm .. the world I left behind a long time ago.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this writing. I guess I’m trying to understand why I do this to myself .. get myself into these spaces where I feel trapped and overwhelmed and feel a desperate need to flee to freedom. It’s an ‘all or nothing’ tendency that no doubt serves me in some ways and harms me in others. Bringing consciousness to it feels like a worthy thing. I guess, in a way, the ‘trappedness’ – of feeling like I have to surrender to something bigger – allows me to let go and to focus on something else. It forms a cosy cocoon of sorts for exploration.
My biggest experience of feeling trapped was living in Sydney, when Joey was aged around two until five, and the business I worked for and effectively became a part of, The Plan Shop, had become my agonising cage that kept me trapped in Sydney, in poverty, in a job I didn’t enjoy and didn’t feel good at, with lots of stress and not much fun. It is from that experience that I am so present to the feeling of putting my life on hold right now .. “I’ll just hold my breath and it will all be better”. I know I don’t breathe enough. I need to start breathing more.
To be honest, and somewhat vulnerable, a big part of why I feel like my life is on hold with this stuff is because I have a belief that ‘I won’t be able to meet my new man’ until this stuff is gone. And right now I’m tired of waiting.
I am almost swooning at the thought of the space that will be opened up .. which I expect to feel as a rush and surge of energy and inspiration, and an opening for love and light to get in.
Making progress
With three weeks until the big transformation, things are progressing apace. My website is finally in safe harbour where it won’t suddenly die and leave me abandoned like happened recently. I am tidying up various bits of technology. I’m about to get some help with my website (so exciting!), I’m progressing with my big house decluttering (in fits and starts), the rings vision is moving closer to becoming real, my path is opening up and becoming clearer .. and life is evolving. I feel like I’m starting to reach dry land after so many years of floating, and right now my feet are just starting to touch the bottom.
I’ll post this now and maybe add to it later. I do have plans to create more generally inspiring posts, rather than me just sharing my journey and madness with the world .. but this is all part of the journey.
by Orly | Mar 13, 2017 | Blog
I have just come across a concept that explains my life’s journey so clearly that I am looking at the world from a new light.
The soul personality describes ‘roles’ that our soul has come to earth to express. This concept has transformed the way some close family are seeing a particularly difficult situation. My sister in law has come to see that she is a Warrior and my sister is an Artisan. They have been in a state of war that has led to a lot of pain and damage. I am a Scholar. This feels so clear. It’s simply who I am. I know I’m going to want to dive deep down this new rabbit hole, considering the clarity that it gives of what each person’s offering is.
In essence, there are 7 roles our souls take:
Priest, Artisan, Sage, Server, Scholar, King, Warrior
My role is: Scholar with an Artisan casting. Which also to me says Enneagram type 5 with a 4 wing. I love when things start to become clearer. I can see our soul role influences our journey through life.
How this concept has impacted me
The very current realisation that seeing my ‘role’ as a scholar has given me, is to explain why I have such a problem with teaching aikido (or anything for that matter). I’m challenged to form a single explanation for anything. And I’m obsessed with learning, so even a slightly different perspective can spin me out of the teacher role and back into that of the student. I am starting to see that for me to teach would involve choosing an avenue to explore and making that my focus. So I feel a sort of validation for why aikido teaching is posing a stress for me, and also a new way of looking at training. Essentially, I need to treat the training as a journey of deeper exploration .. which I have been attempting .. except I’ve felt a bit in over my head.
The soul’s purpose concept also helps reinforce the journey I’m on, and my ideas to study things and then share creations with the world. As I do my massive house and life clear out, I am getting increasing clarity about what things light me up and how I want to live my life. I had allowed myself to get weighed down, for a lifetime till now, with other people’s clutter .. their expectation, needs, opinions, demands, stuff. And as I let all this go and bring myself back to the essence of who I am and what my simple needs and desires are, I am becoming more grounded in myself.
Dashing off
I am dashing off thoughts as they come to me, and hopeful that they don’t vanish into thin air like happened in my recent mega-data loss .. but I’m moving toward clarity and more ease in self expression. Stepping out of my befuddled creator brain and into the conscious structuring of time to break me out of my spacey state and into the world of reality.
Ideas
I have so many ideas at the moment. I was going to start to list them as part of evaluation what to put my attentions on. Maybe tomorrow.
x
PS This website is great if you want to look deeper into soul essences: www.personalityspirituality.net
by Orly | Mar 10, 2017 | Aikido, Blog, connection, Evolution, exploration, Inspiration, journey, Public Art, Public sculpture, Spirit
I’m recovering from what has felt like a pretty crazy time lately. As I release commitments and attachments I am starting to settle down to a clearer and simpler reality. Life is starting to settle down.
But there’s still a lot of work to do. It’s like I’m right at the beginning, but the way has become clearer. But what a relief that is.
I have been licking my wounds a bit after losing five blog posts that came from a flurry of inspiration and activity in January and February and were part of me reaching a state of clarity about my purpose and focus. And there were no saves of these posts so it has felt like a huge loss. Plus I lost the whole Circles of Life page I’d created and was finally at peace about. It was like I’d made all these steps .. and then bam .. back to square one .. like a rug was swept from under me and I was up in the air. And it put me in a rather disjointed state. But perhaps the good thing about getting disjointed is that things can come back together and realign in a fresh and more conscious way.
I’ve updated my About page but the Circles of Life page still taunts me. Maybe today.
So I will attempt a summary of what I was coming to with those final posts before everything came crashing down ..
Jan 25: A new adventure
Jan 26: Presenting the present as a present
Feb 02: A fresh start
Feb 15: Words of intention
Feb 17: Getting ready
Okay .. so .. I was clearing the path for this adventure which is simply my life, as I create it. It was the adventure of this fresh new year .. fresh with intentions. I made some vague commitment to creating and sharing with some accountability built in .. but that is now passe. I was contemplating my word for this year and explored a range of words before coming, in a very clear way, to the word Presence. I have been shifting my experience of the world for some time now, and it is perhaps now at tipping point. Many things are coming to a head at once. Clarity is arriving in all different ways. I explored the way that words, and intentions can impact our lives in a positive way. I need to explore that same topic again. I have a fear losing thoughts and not getting them back .. but I need to trust that I will find the words for saying what needs to be said.
So, I was ‘Getting ready’ on Feb 17 and it’s now three weeks on. I guess I’m back to before where I was at at that point in some ways. So I’m still ‘Getting ready’ .. but perhaps I’m ‘Getting closer’.
And talking about ‘getting closer’ .. this could allude to intimacy, which has been part of this blog journey .. because I am sharing my experience of life (some of it at least) with the world. And that is really the biggest breakthrough for me .. to do that and be with the vulnerability of it .. me who feels overly self conscious to even ‘like’ something on Facebook, let alone write comments.
Instagram has been another place I’ve forced myself to open up and that breakthrough is just as huge as this blog. Even moreso in a way since photos are very revealing.
I love how, through this website, I’m able to share myself and feel some control over what and how it is shared. The lack of control over how information is shared unnerves me with Facebook. Except the recent crashing of my site felt like a total loss of control. I even felt like I ‘lost myself’ – like I’d put myself out there, and got taken down and wiped out. It made me feel like maybe I should stick to solidity rather than data. But the answer now seems to be that I need to lick my wounds, recalibrate and then continue to grow. Perhaps evidence of weakness and crumbling of work is an opportunity to rebuild foundations with retrospective clarity.
Actually, right now I am writing this like I’m writing to a friend ,, or to myself maybe. Same difference. I’m being experimental right now so I’ll go with it. My main challenge is simply to stay in action and not get caught up in thinking about things ,,
I also want to write some poetry .. and to create some images .. and make some videos .. and make some music .. and it’s nice to have the consolidating foundation of this website to anchor it all. Except I don’t want it to all collapse again. I need to find out how I can protect myself against that happening. This website is essentially my base for exploration. Some things I plan to explore are:
– the journey and creation of Cloudscape
– organic concepts and creations
– sacred symbols
– ‘the journey’
In fact, what I’ve been clear about all along with this blog is that it’s intention hasn’t been to inspire people and land in their inbox each week. It has been solely a challenge to me to express myself in public, and to share my journey toward clarity. It has helped me to release fears around opening up and speaking up, and allowed me to feel clarity and groundedness. Moving forward .. if I’m to stretch myself that bit more, and turn up in people’s inboxes, with something inspirational or useful to say .. how would I do that?
Here are the thoughts that come to me off the bat:
I’d keep on writing these ‘sharing my truth’ posts .. writing as I would to a friend. But rather than have these posts turn up in people’s inboxes (too scary), I could send out emails exploring an inspirational piece of art, plus write either an opinion or research piece on a topic I’m exploring, and include links to what I’ve written on my blog and perhaps an occasional summary of where my current projects are at.
Art, Exploration, Progress.
My life is starting to align so nicely at the moment. I am creating my life around building a business that invites exploration and creation of public art and expression. And in alignment with that is exploration of sacred symbols, the journey, circles, aikido, spirit, life, building, creation, energy, psychology, art, meaning, movement, connection, transformation … and it’s all connected.
Though I’ve been turning a corner at speed for what feels like a long time, I am close to reaching the straight.
Onwards.
x
by Orly | Feb 28, 2017 | Blog
My life is a journey towards clarity .. which it seems came about through getting myself into a state of extreme confusion as a very young child .. which I believe came about due to the fact that ‘unpleasant’ emotions were not accepted in my family of origin and so I learned to cut off from them and in doing so cut myself off from the world making any sense at all. Because if there is light there must be shadow .. the world cannot be so one-sided. But out of my confusion I have been grasping at every thread I could lay my hands on that might offer some glimpse into understanding the world.
To be honest .. a part of me wants to just <control/alt/delete> and start fresh, in a new lifetime, rather than this one that has had me wind myself around in circles trying to understand what cannot be understood. And so I am in a process of unravelling so many confused thoughts, and of attempting to wake up to feelings that I have mostly cut off from for all this time. It is like waking the dead. I realise to come back to life and to live a meaningful existence means getting in touch with emotions and with the wholeness of life.
I guess this notion of unravelling feels all the more relevant right now because I am in a process of clarifying and consolidating my website and emails, and it is such a tangled mess it is doing my head in. And on top of that I am in a process of sorting through multiple lifetimes of accumulated stuff (i.e. mine and two others) in my house that means I am living in what feels like a hovel, constantly surrounded by piles of clutter that I have to climb over to move around and that is sucking my energy and enthusiasm big time.
Passing this computer over to my boy for a play so I will publish for now and come back and finish later…
x
by Orly | Feb 27, 2017 | Blog
Taken down by technology
Finally, a week after my website went down and I lost over two months of work, I’m taking action rather that getting lost in loss and overwhelm, and writing again. Writing helps me to get clarity .. and I felt like I was just starting to make headway when it was “two steps forward, three steps back”. I’ve been floundering because I’ve been wanting to write, but knowing that a new more updated version of my website might happen any day I’ve been holding out, waiting for that so I can ‘start where I left off’. But I’ve also been in a vulnerable space of having felt like I’d made real progress on my site and thoughts only to have them wiped out .. and so, I’ve felt embarrassed at the thought of anyone coming to this site and seeing what to me feels like ‘an old me’ but really .. I haven’t come that far. But it’s the limbo that has been the hardest .. of holding out, hoping, and feeling stopped from taking action right when I felt like I was on a roll.
I had been planning a ‘launch’ for my rings for this Friday .. but that page and some associated pages were all lost. So I’m back to square one. Still holding out in case a magic recovery is found, but really, just hanging out to start moving forward again. And hence I’m writing this post both to not be living in hope and to be taking action.
I’m in the middle of a massive clear out of my house .. both of other people’s stuff that has been weighing me down, as well as of my own stuff. And frankly, I’ve been stuck in overwhelm. But at least I’m on a path towards shifting that overwhelm. I have to acknowledge the sense of wasted energy and time that all this ‘stuff’ has had on me and continues to have while I wade through this mountain of clutter. But I’m clear that I have to move through to the other side so I can begin to really start to move forward with my life and my plans. And I should probably stop to contemplate how this sense of overwhelm has really held me back for such a long time. It is a sense of confusion I have carried with me since childhood and that has had me constantly searching and studying in an attempt to reach a point of clarity. The feeling it has on me is that of a deer stuck in headlights .. an inability to move due to a state of overwhelm and confusion about what actions to take. But I’ve been making great headway on gaining the clarity I’ve been seeking through taking action .. baby steps .. and mostly via this website. So I guess, after what felt like big breakthroughs in the past couple of months, the loss of all I had written was really quite shocking and unsettling to me. But of course .. it isn’t the end of the world. And while I hope to get those thoughts back, I can also just keep on moving on.
Stuck in hope
It’s been the hope that I may recover what I lost that has had me stopped .. stuck in limbo .. and full of ideas and thoughts I couldn’t express lest the website be recovered and then I lost what I’m writing now. But I will save these thoughts (trivial and pathetic as this post feels to me) and stay in action while I continue to live in hope.
Breakthroughs
One of my breakthroughs of late has been around my ‘psychological explorations’ and the discovery that I have ‘avoidant-dismissive attachment’. Having words that describe my feelings (and lack of feelings) is very validating. I’ve been on a path of reconnecting with the world and people for the past three years, after 43 years prior of attempting to do everything on my own and disconnect as much as possible. I’ve more to write on that but for now I am just getting my head clear and declaring where I’ve been at and moving beyond the stuck space I’ve been in.
Moving forward
I’m releasing this post, in rough and ready style, to start to move forward again. I’d made such big changes to my Circles of Life page that I’m hesitant to start again there until I know there is no hope of recovering what I lost. I’ll continue with my huge decluttering which is bringing up all sorts of fears .. but which once done will give me a new lease of life. And I’ll post this now just so I can keep on moving.
Ever onwards,
Charmaine
by Orly | Dec 5, 2016 | Blog, connection, exploration, journey
When I first heard the phrase “life is empty and meaningless” it actually gave me hope. It let me out of a lifelong bind where I was forever searching for the meaning of life. Yet despite that flash of clarity, I have continued my search. The number 42 has represented a sign of hope. By a stroke of irony on my 42nd birthday, my then old and sick partner had a high fever and delirium that meant on that wet and rainy day I had to call an ambulance, who had to call the local fire brigade for backup, and six men in muddy boots carried Ian past the birthday bunting and across the plank to the ambulance and then to hospital where the wonders of modern medicine saved his life for that day.
Yet even such clear messages have not diminished my quest to find meaning in life .. almost like the quest itself is what has given my life sense of purpose.
42 posts
I saw the other day that I have posted 42 posts on this blog. Given my affinity for this number, I had to reflect on it’s significance, since this blog is really part of my quest for meaning. This is the answer I have come to in the past few years – life is about connection.
Connection
I’m sure I could circle around this topic endlessly. If I think of the times in life I have truly felt a sense of peace, it is those moments I have felt truly connected – be it to a person, to nature, to the divine or to myself. And in fact this blog is really about connection. My life has revolved very much around a desire to disconnect, particularly from people, which in my experience have caused mostly pain, confusion and loss of self. But as I’ve been diving into pushing myself into connection and have become present to feelings, mostly bad, but feelings all the same, and with those feelings a sense of being alive.
It was some good feelings that gave me hope, that made me feel alive. I was bolstered by a rare sense of hope. But then those hopes got dashed and the dreams I’d had became a hopeless wreckage. And so I’ve been rebuilding my ship, taking care not to get too lost in my head, to allow myself to feel more grounded, and to learn to be with the bad feelings and express myself rather than wasting my life away through escape.
Movement
In fact, I have been living my life as though there IS some meaning except I am yet to find it. I believe the bigger explanation to the statement that ‘life is empty and meaningless’ is that WE attach meaning to life. It just IS. And this very much relates to my overly cerebral way of experiencing and understanding the world. Thankfully, I have also pushed myself to be very physical in my life. I think it is my saving grace. Martial arts, which I’ve been drawn to out of my hyper vigilant need to protect myself on solo adventures, have allowed me to connect to myself and others. Swimming and cycling have been my main other forms of being in my body. Yet even as I think of these I realise that each give me scope to think at the same time. But a big lesson that aikido continues to bring me is that I need to ‘not think’ in order to act, since thinking slows me down and has me get stuck in confusion.
Being
Perhaps the big lesson for me in this lifetime is around being rather than thinking.
‘I am therefore I am’.
No wonder I’ve made myself so confused .. trying to think my way to clarity when the answer is simply ‘to be’. And perhaps therein lies the challenge .. how to be.
Solo explorations
My life has been a solo exploration. I believe my drive for solo exploration has come about through a combination of personality and life experience. The curiosity was always there. The feeling of being alone likely came from feeling misunderstood as a child. The sense of being lost and confused probably came from an overactive mind along with an invalidation of my feelings that had me unsure what I thought or felt about anything. My independence – most likely from both genes and early modelling. The outcome .. a lost, confused, constantly searching and exploring mind, embracing the lostness and aloneness as though it was something I desired, but leading me further and further into a state of complete hopelessness.
Finding my way
Feeling my feelings and expressing them to others (rather than cutting off from feelings and endlessly talking to myself) has been a path I’ve been walking that has also been like climbing out of a deep dark hole. It’s a rocky path, but I have a sense of hope. Deep down, or maybe closer to the surface, I know that I’m not alone .. and yet alone at the same time. That’s life.
Ever onwards.
by Orly | Dec 1, 2016 | Blog
On the spectrum of risk taking I lean very much toward carefulness. Generally, risks I’ve taken have been considered and calculated. I’ve pushed myself close to the edge many times .. even in life risking ways .. but I’m rarely impetuous.
So, in a moment of insanity last weekend I swung the pendulum the other way a bit when after looking at the stretch of mountain bike track before me, aptly labelled ‘rollercoaster 1’, having initially halted to declare “Joey, I can’t do this!”, followed by him saying “I’ll go”, and racing off down the rollercoaster and up the other side, I considered the likelihood that perhaps I could fly over all the bumps and simply focus on staying upright, took a breath, and dived down this crazy mountain bike track on my over 20 year old, unmaintained and non-mountain bike. In retrospect it was an accident waiting to happen and I half wonder if I didn’t do it on purpose at some level .. since my now very sore left shoulder that has put my left arm out of action has opened up the time I needed to focus on some things I’ve had to neglect with all that has been filling up my time lately .. and incidentally, mostly very physical stuff that requires the use of both arms. In some ways, the accident has been a godsend. I suspect I might have been hurt much more badly had I not had the body awareness and fitness I have, and the accident could have been much worse. So I feel quite grateful
So .. what point am I getting at?
I think I’m looking to see where I now stand on the subject of risk. I know I have spent my life being overly cautious and it has held me back from ‘life’ quite a lot. But I also think my carefulness has allowed me to do much riskier things by taking special care .. it has allowed me to go closer to the edge so to speak. And I have wondered at times whether I need that intense feeling of presence that comes from being close to the edge, as a way to simply feel.
But this past year or so of stepping outside of my comfort zone to where I don’t have that sense of control that comes from careful consideration has also brought me back to life and to the awareness of feelings and emotions – even if that means nursing a hurt shoulder.
Since I have a dream of creating large organic sculptural forms that people can move through or climb over and explore in all different sorts of ways, the issue of risk is very pertinent. I have a desire for people to be able to explore spaces in new ways, and to be able to experience challenge or adventure in their own way, to push boundaries .. but at the same time, there cannot be any seriously dangerous scenarios. I think some perceived danger, like views out from high places that don’t have threat of physical danger, is how I will intend it. I’m still in the process of fine-tuning the design of Cloudscape through the 1:20 model, but that has all come to a standstill at the moment with too many other projects on the go. But I will return to it soon and the risk aspect of it will always be present. Looking up the etymology of risk which it seem is a bit uncertain, the origins of the word may come from ‘riscare’ or ‘running into danger’. So it is around diving in rather than standing on the edge. And I’ve mostly just stood on the edge, watching, working out what dangers could be present, but not acting. Thinking rather than acting. Rarely, if ever, ‘out of control’.
Like most things, I think there needs to be a balance.
Risking versus Control
I guess we all gain control of our environments in different ways and for different reasons. But I’m seeing that for me, as a details person and consequently perhaps a control freak of a sort. I think that I’ve needed to feel in control because I’m constantly sorting through so much minutiae in how I look at the world .. and needing to hold all those threads together and feel like I know what will happen next, and to have a sense of certainty over what will happen – not be tossed to the whim of the Universe or somebody else’s agenda. And I’ve had a determined mission to do things my way so that implies a fair need to control things and have them the way I like them. And to me it makes sense because it is what allows me to be in the world living toward my potential rather than sucked dry by external demands and expectations.
This is also an old blueprint that I am currently unravelling and exploring. Looking to see what serves me and what no longer serves me so I’m not carrying baggage that is holding me back. And being a collector, I’m bound to have a bit of baggage.
As part of my constant search for clarity and simplicity, I have not sought risk that brings chaos and drama to my life. I think I have used risk to feel life, but for me risking has mostly been : solo, close to the edge, of my own choosing, interesting in some way, exploring in some sort of extreme / unconventional way, conscious.
Enough
Enough rambling here. Off now to complete my current module on ‘facilitate the empowerment of people with disability’. I feel more aware of the limitations of disability even just from my shoulder injury. It has been helpful in many different ways.
Say Yes! to the universe
‘Say Yes! to the Universe’ is a concept that really speaks to me. It fits my view of seeing life as a huge lesson and each thing that happens, say Yes! and trust that it is leading you to where you need to go. And in writing this I just saw a place where I’ve been saying No! .. and so I see it’s time to turn that around. It has been around a determined refusal to shift my thinking and clinging to what is familiar and comfortable.
Is there anybody out there?
If you’ve read this and would like to respond with your own views or experiences of risk, please do.
by Orly | Nov 25, 2016 | Blog, connection, exploration, journey
Hello,
So much for my questioning whether I could write a daily post. The answer is clearly no, because I need space. My need for space and freedom has driven my whole life, and I’m not going to suddenly impose a public daily discipline on myself. I will allow myself the freedom to choose my own agenda. The main reason I would make a regular commitment would be as a form of discipline to force me out of my comfort zone. But I’ve done enough stretching out of my comfort zone lately so I’m happy to give myself some leeway. For the past two weeks I’ve had a shock to the system with 40 hour weeks, starting 6.30am, doing work that has had me on a steep learning curve. It’s part of a process of completely shifting and transforming my life. It includes leaving behind the work that has been my main source of a meagre income since finishing school, and what has typically felt like my only ‘marketable’ skill – architectural drafting. The new work I am training for is as a carer, specifically aged care for people living in their homes. So it’s a shift toward people rather than ideas. And I’ve spent my life avoiding people and only pursuing ideas .. so it is quite a dramatic turnaround for me. I’m only intending to do this work part time while I continue to push ahead with my other ventures .. but it feels good to be helping people and to be able to sustain myself in the process.
Jumping
I feel as though I have been throwing myself into ‘life’ lately. Jumping into this course was very spontaneous and I hadn’t quite grasped what I was jumping into at the time. I didn’t realise my whole life would go on hold as a result .. right when I was fully inspired to do so many other things. But all those things have to wait until this course is done and my new life begins.
For a while I’ve been saying that my life will begin next year. I feel like I’ve been in a holding chamber and I’m getting ready to step out. Writing this blog is part of my process of letting go of old ideas and structures.
“Not enough time”
This has been a trigger of mine most of my life .. a constant feeling that I need more time to do whatever it is I want to do (and consequently loading up my to do list it seems in order to have a sense of moving forward. And this year I have been taking on so many more courses, having planned at the beginning of the year that I would put a stop to doing any more courses. So I’ve been very reluctant to start any new courses – and yet I have taken on three courses this year that have stretched me in different ways and been part of my life transformation. And they have also led me to places that were uncomfortable and had me look at my life in ways I hadn’t before.
Life
I’ve decided that ultimately, my purpose with this blog is an exploration of Life. And a raw and open exploration at that. I think I am in a process of opening up .. and exploring the world in new ways.
Redesign
We experience and relate to the world with beliefs and structures that are carried unconsciously. I’ve started to uncover some of the ways I believed the world to be and see them as simply blueprints formed early in life that have impacted how I have related to the world and particularly to people. In seeing the patterns I have the opportunity to change them .. though that isn’t as easy as it seems, after a lifetime of practice. My particular blueprint has been a need to have time alone, lots of time, to think and dream and plan and explore .. and it has been strongly a pattern of moving away from people. The work I am starting to do challenges this pattern in a big way.
Disappearing
This year is disappearing. It’s a strange feeling. I have my general angst over ‘not enough time’ .. but the same time I’m in a bit of a time warp, and in a process of letting go of timing and ‘pushing’ and allowing things to collapse and transform. While I need to start making some money – which has been hugely scarce with my attention consumed by my course – at a time I had created an opportunity to start making money selling the Circle of Life rings – I’ve had to let go of the urgency and trust that things were where they needed to be. And while I haven’t completely abandoned the idea of drafting drawings for projects and designs – I’ve given up relying on it as a source of income – and that is very liberating.
We are approaching New Moon and I wonder what I will consciously let go of this time round. What physical, mental or emotional baggage will I let go of. The physical is easy to see. My house has an overabundance of ‘stuff’ that I need to sort through and clear. So far, using the Konmari process, I have cleansed my wardrobe and that has been so refreshing. Here are some photos of my drawers. Clarity! I didn’t take a ‘before’ picture, but just imagine twice as much stuff in a messy pile.
Clear and ordered tops drawer
Clear and ordered undies drawer
Awaiting sorting
Apart from my clothes, my life is in a state of having been tipped out and is in a process of clearing, reordering and choosing.
I asked for some guidance in meditation tonight and got the message that ‘my voice’ can connect my heart and my mind. In other words, I need to keep writing and sharing my voice. I know that this is my journey. And it feels both meaningless and meaningful at the same time.
Signing off
I have said enough for now, and I’m struggling to stay awake.
My bed is calling me.
Toward Infinity.
X
by Orly | Nov 15, 2016 | Blog, Evolution, exploration, independence, journey
Hello,
I’ve been writing regularly on this blog lately with today being my 7th day in a row. I’ve been wondering whether I should carry on this jaunt of writing every day or whether I should allow my writing to wax and wane. I know periods of silence will be necessary .. but it seems that since I’m on a bit of a roll, that I had best continue.
Right now my energy is waning. I was up and ‘at work’ earlier than I would normally even be awake. I left a sleeping 10 year old to have to get himself up, dressed, breakfasted, lunch packed into bag and trek to the bus stop all on his own for the first time ever. I expect, like the times he’s gone off on trips without me, that his confidence will jump up a notch, which must be good thing. I’m really lucky to have such a cool, calm and capable son. He doesn’t have the hang ups that I have .. being much more of the relaxed type .. but nor does he have the same drive. But he’s driven in his own way and I feel very blessed.
I didn’t know if I’d even write today given my tiredness .. but this writing feels a bit like meditation .. a healthy practice in support of my evolution.
Ironically, my tendency to want lots of time to do things and not feel rushed is coming to light from a different perspective this next couple of weeks by people who themselves need plenty of time to do things. I think I’ll be able to keep exploring life and myself in a different way during my work experience. It is challenging me in interesting ways. My goal is to work in the community, helping people to stay independent. But my requisite work experience is in a nursing home where everyone is quite dependent. 8 hours down, 112 hours to go.
I was meant to be working on assignments right now .. but instead I’m writing this and preparing to switch off so I’m not too tired tomorrow (like today after about 4.5 hours sleep).
Blessings on the journey .. :)
Charmaine
by Orly | Nov 14, 2016 | Blog, connection, Enneagram, Evolution, exploration, independence, journey
Hello,
I’m letting inspiration guide my writing at the moment .. and ‘learning to feel’ is a lesson I am currently learning .. to become aware of and open with my feelings. In my household growing up, joyful and happy feelings were much appreciated .. while painful emotions caused deep distress or disconnect. So I learnt to cut off from my emotions. Over time I made a virtue of it. It was a case of mind over matter.
Such a strategy developed in early childhood isn’t likely to carry us through life without any hiccups. My cutting off from feelings, along with a cutting off from needs, also made me need to cut off from people. And while I managed ‘on my own’ for more than 42 years .. it came to take me down through a spiralling circle of confusion and escapism. What helped me to come out of my pit of despair was the realisation that I needed to connect with people and speak out.
I started a new job today. The goal is to support aged people to live at home, though my work experience is at a nursing home. In a lovely twist this work is, for me, about independence and connection at the same time. It feels like the next step in an upward spiral I’ve been on. I am very protective of my time and energy and have always been resistant to working with people too much lest my energy get completely drained. But I’m discovering that learning to be present to my own needs and feelings (which I never have been) .. and practicing being in my body and grounding myself (another thing I haven’t been conscious to do) is how I can be with people and stay open but not allow myself to get lost in the process.
And talking of lost .. which I now discover is an offshoot from cutting off from emotions .. I’ve been thinking about how I have spent my whole life feeling lost and constantly searching for an answer that explains life, the universe and everything. And my biggest breakthroughs around being lost have been:
1996-ish : bushwalking in Kakadu when I got completely lost and by connecting inward to intuition (due to extreme urgency) – and found my way back in a magical way.
2001-ish – Landmark Education course – discovered ‘my act’ was “I don’t know”. When discovered this, the flash of insight about how I’d almost driven myself crazy with getting stuck in loops in my thinking. For some weeks after the realisation and clarity, I felt confident, I knew what I wanted, I felt at peace, my constant hesitation had a rest.
2014 : discovered the Enneagram and felt like my understanding of people all fell into place. It felt like a mind blowing experience and has brought me a lot of peace. I guess I feel less lost and confused now that I can understand better how and why people respond to the world in different ways .. and it also gave me a lot more compassion for myself and how I had experienced the world.
2016: started opening up about my thoughts and feelings to a friend, and this has been a really clarifying and liberating experience. Also talking to a psychologist who is helping me to make sense of my world and my life. For the first time I started to feel what I wanted, and ask for it.
It seems that returning to feelings is my pathway to having direction in my life. And it makes sense really .. because when I just thought about how directions feel when disconnected from feelings I had a vision of a person with a crazy scramble of thoughts happening in his head. And, well, moving ultimately happens with the body, not the head .. so moving to the senses makes sense.
I have two weeks, as of tomorrow, with a job placement with early mornings. It’s only for a short time .. but it is bound to be a big shock to my system. I’ll be started work before I’d normally even be awake. It feels like a baptism of fire. I guess I’ll have to start having early nights. I have a sense it could be what I need to properly shift me into a healthier and more productive lifestyle (i.e. going to bed earlier and waking up earlier). And I have some huge resistance to ‘conforming’ .. though it is only temporary. I’m starting to see how I have resistance to ‘having’ to do anything or to having to do things the way someone else tells me. And of course I’ve done plenty of both .. but my point is that I see that as a response to my childhood (I think my nature defied conformity) and it is a pattern, or a blueprint, that I am carrying with me. And I have an opportunity to have a different experience .. simply by bringing consciousness to the situation.
And so .. life becomes an adventure .. so long as I keep throwing myself into it. When I withdraw I have lots of fun mind adventures .. but ultimately there is an emptiness. By being in life I am confronted with feelings of pain and discomfort .. and I think it is the memory of the emptiness and a sense of hope that has me push through the swamp .. and conscious of the fact that in the muck, is life.
I will sign off for now ..
Onward march ..
x
by Orly | Nov 13, 2016 | Blog
Hello,
We are moving into a big full moon tomorrow, and things feel pretty big all round.
Through my Shine Your Light journey of three months we have been moving in alignment with the moon, so I feel the energy of this full moon in my life.
Tomorrow things come to a bit of a head with my first day of work experience .. having to start early and have my boy do his first solo walk across the trunk road to the bus stop in the morning. That feels big in itself. He is super capable so it isn’t an issue, but it is still a form of letting go. Starting my 120 hours work experience at a local nursing home – which isn’t exactly the work I’m moving into since I’m planning to work in the community – feels pretty momentous. And my first experience of Playback Theatre tomorrow night – which I’m rather nervous about. I am definitely being forced out of my comfort zone in many different ways.
The aikido teaching still has me almost over the edge of my comfort zone to the point I’ve considered cutting the rope altogether. But of course I won’t. Will I?
I discovered today that I am an Ambivalent. I am someone who sees both (or every) side to a situation and cannot therefore take sides. It can be agonising. I’m seeing that I need to get really clear about my vision and what I want to work towards, so that my direction will be clearer and decisions easier. I would say the biggest gift in being an ambivalent is in the creative realm .. because it invites the opportunity explore lots of different approaches to a problem. The challenge is finally deciding .. and cutting off the other possibilities. This is something I’ve never been good at. I think most of my life has happened through indecision rather than decision, and I have allowed myself to be pushed and pulled by new opportunities to understand the world. My explorations have included architecture, sculpture, landscape design, music, trades, gambling, drugs, meditation, spirituality, business, travel, craft, play, philosophy, anthropology, design, house construction, gardening, politics, self development, video creation, website creation and art. The thread in it all I would say is around finding a way to live in the world that is sustainable and productive. This has been a huge challenge. But I am getting close.
I started this blog post with the title ‘Opening up’ before I knew what I was going to write about. I think the essence of what I am experiencing at the moment is a process of letting go and releasing that allows for more relaxation and ease. This is coming about partly due to a better understanding of why I’ve experienced life in the way that I have. And part of my letting go is gathering this collection of words and putting it in a public place as an act of vulnerability .. but knowing that this is a journey I am on to practice my writing .. and working out what I want to say .. and opening up my life and myself to the world.
I’ve already had my sensation of leaping and free-falling. I thought I had landed .. but right now I’m a bit swept up by a wave.
I need to stop procrastinating and get on with an oppressive amount of assignments I’ve been avoiding.
Ever onwards ..
by Orly | Nov 12, 2016 | Blog
Hello.
I’m in a transitional phase at the moment. I seem to have been in this phase a long time .. but things seem to be shifting more and more.
I’m about to move from one project to the next .. leave my website alone for a while so I can work on the final modules of the course I’m doing. Today I have had another day to myself with Joey away at Cub Scout camp .. and I have made some progress including taking some photos to get a new headshot. The one above is what I chose, taken on the trampoline.
Here are some other photos I like:
And that is part of my stepping forward.
My next big step will be doing a big update on Instagram.
There are seven weeks until the end of the year. In that time I intend to finish my work experience, and move towards an end of year launch with the rings – since I see them as perfect for marking people’s words for the new year. So I will make that my focus. And then next year, my life can be up and running.
I’m coming up to the end of a year of money journeying with The Art of Money. It has been such a huge year that I haven’t been able to give that course the attention it needed. And I need to decide whether to join up again and have company on the journey next year .. or whether to go it alone with the materials I have. I do credit much of my transformation this year to that course so I suspect I will join again .. but right now I’m still holding back from deciding.
Ambivalence over decision making is something I have lived with for most of my life and something I’m learning I need to respond to. Weighing things up and trying to make a decision can be challenging for me .. especially when time, energy or money are involved. Knowing how much this had held me back (which isn’t always a bad thing) my challenge now is to choose and then run with whatever decision I make – not to double back and feel regret. And it all comes down to getting in touch with my feelings. The threshold of decision making is one I’m always careful to cross .. and much of my life I’ve avoided even making decisions meaning I’ve probably been swept along by other people’s agendas most of the time.
Another new practice is around opening up and staying grounded. Most of my life I have tended to shut down from connection out of a fear of being overwhelmed or overtaken by others needs. I’m starting to see where this belief has come from and am learning that I need to stay open while also looking after my own needs. Since I had shut down to any needs in the past as a way of rejecting people (essentially) .. I’m starting to become more compassionate, inquisitive and outspoken about my own needs and desires. So I am bringing myself to be in the world rather than forever wanting to run away from it.
As I look at my life and my response to my experiences, I see that there is a wild element within me, a sort of inner fire, that has refused to conform – and I think that is simply my unique soul journey reacting to any constraints put upon it. That doesn’t really make sense, but I’ll say it anyway. I think what I’ve held onto is a sort of fierce independence .. but like so much I am discovering lately .. it’s probably all the result of some sort of decision I made early on .. perhaps one where I felt unseen, misunderstood and totally alone. Or maybe the feeling was in me from the start and part of my life lesson – which I would say off the top of my head right now is the realisation that we are all connected.
I wrote out answers to create a profile statement as part of completing the Shine Your Light journey (also why I took the headshots). It was good to reflect on what my vision is since it gets more clear and focused each time I do it. My responses were:
I’m Charmaine Grace
Explorer, writer, designer, creator.
I serve people looking for more meaning and connection on their journey of life.
I create Circle of Life rings.
I’m in the process of creating large interactive sculptures for public spaces that offer opportunities for connection and fresh perspectives.
I love to explore things in order to have clarity and understanding.
I want people to feel more conscious and connected, and to know that they are not alone.
My Big Why :
Inspiring Evolution with Clarity in Action
Ever Onwards!
