My life is a journey towards clarity .. which it seems came about through getting myself into a state of extreme confusion as a very young child .. which I believe came about due to the fact that ‘unpleasant’ emotions were not accepted in my family of origin and so I learned to cut off from them and in doing so cut myself off from the world making any sense at all. Because if there is light there must be shadow .. the world cannot be so one-sided. But out of my confusion I have been grasping at every thread I could lay my hands on that might offer some glimpse into understanding the world.
To be honest .. a part of me wants to just <control/alt/delete> and start fresh, in a new lifetime, rather than this one that has had me wind myself around in circles trying to understand what cannot be understood. And so I am in a process of unravelling so many confused thoughts, and of attempting to wake up to feelings that I have mostly cut off from for all this time. It is like waking the dead. I realise to come back to life and to live a meaningful existence means getting in touch with emotions and with the wholeness of life.
I guess this notion of unravelling feels all the more relevant right now because I am in a process of clarifying and consolidating my website and emails, and it is such a tangled mess it is doing my head in. And on top of that I am in a process of sorting through multiple lifetimes of accumulated stuff (i.e. mine and two others) in my house that means I am living in what feels like a hovel, constantly surrounded by piles of clutter that I have to climb over to move around and that is sucking my energy and enthusiasm big time.
Passing this computer over to my boy for a play so I will publish for now and come back and finish later…