I feel like my life is on hold .. like I’m holding my breath until everything changes. This is a familiar feeling to me. I’ve spent years in this state. So I will explore it now while I live in this three week hiatus until my life begins anew. Right now three weeks feels like a long time .. but I’m present to the need to keep on taking small steps toward my bigger vision despite the state of overwhelm and drowning in uncertainty that I seem to be in.
Three weeks is when a large amount of stuff that represents the attachments and histories of other people will be moved out of my house. It represents a huge milestone in my transformation and in stepping into a life that is of my own choosing rather than one that adapts haphazardly to the paths of other people. It took a certain amount of insanity and a determination to look at what I was not dealing with to see the impact of my determined neglect of my needs. What that neglect afforded me was firstly, very little need to interact with others, which then became a need to NOT interact with others since I wasn’t good at lobbying for myself.
Turns out I do have needs .. and desires .. if I let myself be present to them. Seems even like they may be my ticket for my reentering the earthly realm .. the world I left behind a long time ago.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this writing. I guess I’m trying to understand why I do this to myself .. get myself into these spaces where I feel trapped and overwhelmed and feel a desperate need to flee to freedom. It’s an ‘all or nothing’ tendency that no doubt serves me in some ways and harms me in others. Bringing consciousness to it feels like a worthy thing. I guess, in a way, the ‘trappedness’ – of feeling like I have to surrender to something bigger – allows me to let go and to focus on something else. It forms a cosy cocoon of sorts for exploration.
My biggest experience of feeling trapped was living in Sydney, when Joey was aged around two until five, and the business I worked for and effectively became a part of, The Plan Shop, had become my agonising cage that kept me trapped in Sydney, in poverty, in a job I didn’t enjoy and didn’t feel good at, with lots of stress and not much fun. It is from that experience that I am so present to the feeling of putting my life on hold right now .. “I’ll just hold my breath and it will all be better”. I know I don’t breathe enough. I need to start breathing more.
To be honest, and somewhat vulnerable, a big part of why I feel like my life is on hold with this stuff is because I have a belief that ‘I won’t be able to meet my new man’ until this stuff is gone. And right now I’m tired of waiting.
I am almost swooning at the thought of the space that will be opened up .. which I expect to feel as a rush and surge of energy and inspiration, and an opening for love and light to get in.
With three weeks until the big transformation, things are progressing apace. My website is finally in safe harbour where it won’t suddenly die and leave me abandoned like happened recently. I am tidying up various bits of technology. I’m about to get some help with my website (so exciting!), I’m progressing with my big house decluttering (in fits and starts), the rings vision is moving closer to becoming real, my path is opening up and becoming clearer .. and life is evolving. I feel like I’m starting to reach dry land after so many years of floating, and right now my feet are just starting to touch the bottom.
I’ll post this now and maybe add to it later. I do have plans to create more generally inspiring posts, rather than me just sharing my journey and madness with the world .. but this is all part of the journey.
I have just come across a concept that explains my life’s journey so clearly that I am looking at the world from a new light.
The soul personality describes ‘roles’ that our soul has come to earth to express. This concept has transformed the way some close family are seeing a particularly difficult situation. My sister in law has come to see that she is a Warrior and my sister is an Artisan. They have been in a state of war that has led to a lot of pain and damage. I am a Scholar. This feels so clear. It’s simply who I am. I know I’m going to want to dive deep down this new rabbit hole, considering the clarity that it gives of what each person’s offering is.
In essence, there are 7 roles our souls take:
Priest, Artisan, Sage, Server, Scholar, King, Warrior
My role is: Scholar with an Artisan casting. Which also to me says Enneagram type 5 with a 4 wing. I love when things start to become clearer. I can see our soul role influences our journey through life.
How this concept has impacted me
The very current realisation that seeing my ‘role’ as a scholar has given me, is to explain why I have such a problem with teaching aikido (or anything for that matter). I’m challenged to form a single explanation for anything. And I’m obsessed with learning, so even a slightly different perspective can spin me out of the teacher role and back into that of the student. I am starting to see that for me to teach would involve choosing an avenue to explore and making that my focus. So I feel a sort of validation for why aikido teaching is posing a stress for me, and also a new way of looking at training. Essentially, I need to treat the training as a journey of deeper exploration .. which I have been attempting .. except I’ve felt a bit in over my head.
The soul’s purpose concept also helps reinforce the journey I’m on, and my ideas to study things and then share creations with the world. As I do my massive house and life clear out, I am getting increasing clarity about what things light me up and how I want to live my life. I had allowed myself to get weighed down, for a lifetime till now, with other people’s clutter .. their expectation, needs, opinions, demands, stuff. And as I let all this go and bring myself back to the essence of who I am and what my simple needs and desires are, I am becoming more grounded in myself.
I am dashing off thoughts as they come to me, and hopeful that they don’t vanish into thin air like happened in my recent mega-data loss .. but I’m moving toward clarity and more ease in self expression. Stepping out of my befuddled creator brain and into the conscious structuring of time to break me out of my spacey state and into the world of reality.
I have so many ideas at the moment. I was going to start to list them as part of evaluation what to put my attentions on. Maybe tomorrow.
PS This website is great if you want to look deeper into soul essences: www.personalityspirituality.net
I’m recovering from what has felt like a pretty crazy time lately. As I release commitments and attachments I am starting to settle down to a clearer and simpler reality. Life is starting to settle down.
But there’s still a lot of work to do. It’s like I’m right at the beginning, but the way has become clearer. But what a relief that is.
I have been licking my wounds a bit after losing five blog posts that came from a flurry of inspiration and activity in January and February and were part of me reaching a state of clarity about my purpose and focus. And there were no saves of these posts so it has felt like a huge loss. Plus I lost the whole Circles of Life page I’d created and was finally at peace about. It was like I’d made all these steps .. and then bam .. back to square one .. like a rug was swept from under me and I was up in the air. And it put me in a rather disjointed state. But perhaps the good thing about getting disjointed is that things can come back together and realign in a fresh and more conscious way.
I’ve updated my About page but the Circles of Life page still taunts me. Maybe today.
So I will attempt a summary of what I was coming to with those final posts before everything came crashing down ..
Jan 25: A new adventure
Jan 26: Presenting the present as a present
Feb 02: A fresh start
Feb 15: Words of intention
Feb 17: Getting ready
Okay .. so .. I was clearing the path for this adventure which is simply my life, as I create it. It was the adventure of this fresh new year .. fresh with intentions. I made some vague commitment to creating and sharing with some accountability built in .. but that is now passe. I was contemplating my word for this year and explored a range of words before coming, in a very clear way, to the word Presence. I have been shifting my experience of the world for some time now, and it is perhaps now at tipping point. Many things are coming to a head at once. Clarity is arriving in all different ways. I explored the way that words, and intentions can impact our lives in a positive way. I need to explore that same topic again. I have a fear losing thoughts and not getting them back .. but I need to trust that I will find the words for saying what needs to be said.
So, I was ‘Getting ready’ on Feb 17 and it’s now three weeks on. I guess I’m back to before where I was at at that point in some ways. So I’m still ‘Getting ready’ .. but perhaps I’m ‘Getting closer’.
And talking about ‘getting closer’ .. this could allude to intimacy, which has been part of this blog journey .. because I am sharing my experience of life (some of it at least) with the world. And that is really the biggest breakthrough for me .. to do that and be with the vulnerability of it .. me who feels overly self conscious to even ‘like’ something on Facebook, let alone write comments.
Instagram has been another place I’ve forced myself to open up and that breakthrough is just as huge as this blog. Even moreso in a way since photos are very revealing.
I love how, through this website, I’m able to share myself and feel some control over what and how it is shared. The lack of control over how information is shared unnerves me with Facebook. Except the recent crashing of my site felt like a total loss of control. I even felt like I ‘lost myself’ – like I’d put myself out there, and got taken down and wiped out. It made me feel like maybe I should stick to solidity rather than data. But the answer now seems to be that I need to lick my wounds, recalibrate and then continue to grow. Perhaps evidence of weakness and crumbling of work is an opportunity to rebuild foundations with retrospective clarity.
Actually, right now I am writing this like I’m writing to a friend ,, or to myself maybe. Same difference. I’m being experimental right now so I’ll go with it. My main challenge is simply to stay in action and not get caught up in thinking about things ,,
I also want to write some poetry .. and to create some images .. and make some videos .. and make some music .. and it’s nice to have the consolidating foundation of this website to anchor it all. Except I don’t want it to all collapse again. I need to find out how I can protect myself against that happening. This website is essentially my base for exploration. Some things I plan to explore are:
– the journey and creation of Cloudscape
– organic concepts and creations
– sacred symbols
– ‘the journey’
In fact, what I’ve been clear about all along with this blog is that it’s intention hasn’t been to inspire people and land in their inbox each week. It has been solely a challenge to me to express myself in public, and to share my journey toward clarity. It has helped me to release fears around opening up and speaking up, and allowed me to feel clarity and groundedness. Moving forward .. if I’m to stretch myself that bit more, and turn up in people’s inboxes, with something inspirational or useful to say .. how would I do that?
Here are the thoughts that come to me off the bat:
I’d keep on writing these ‘sharing my truth’ posts .. writing as I would to a friend. But rather than have these posts turn up in people’s inboxes (too scary), I could send out emails exploring an inspirational piece of art, plus write either an opinion or research piece on a topic I’m exploring, and include links to what I’ve written on my blog and perhaps an occasional summary of where my current projects are at.
Art, Exploration, Progress.
My life is starting to align so nicely at the moment. I am creating my life around building a business that invites exploration and creation of public art and expression. And in alignment with that is exploration of sacred symbols, the journey, circles, aikido, spirit, life, building, creation, energy, psychology, art, meaning, movement, connection, transformation … and it’s all connected.
Though I’ve been turning a corner at speed for what feels like a long time, I am close to reaching the straight.
My life is a journey towards clarity .. which it seems came about through getting myself into a state of extreme confusion as a very young child .. which I believe came about due to the fact that ‘unpleasant’ emotions were not accepted in my family of origin and so I learned to cut off from them and in doing so cut myself off from the world making any sense at all. Because if there is light there must be shadow .. the world cannot be so one-sided. But out of my confusion I have been grasping at every thread I could lay my hands on that might offer some glimpse into understanding the world.
To be honest .. a part of me wants to just <control/alt/delete> and start fresh, in a new lifetime, rather than this one that has had me wind myself around in circles trying to understand what cannot be understood. And so I am in a process of unravelling so many confused thoughts, and of attempting to wake up to feelings that I have mostly cut off from for all this time. It is like waking the dead. I realise to come back to life and to live a meaningful existence means getting in touch with emotions and with the wholeness of life.
I guess this notion of unravelling feels all the more relevant right now because I am in a process of clarifying and consolidating my website and emails, and it is such a tangled mess it is doing my head in. And on top of that I am in a process of sorting through multiple lifetimes of accumulated stuff (i.e. mine and two others) in my house that means I am living in what feels like a hovel, constantly surrounded by piles of clutter that I have to climb over to move around and that is sucking my energy and enthusiasm big time.
Passing this computer over to my boy for a play so I will publish for now and come back and finish later…
Taken down by technology
Finally, a week after my website went down and I lost over two months of work, I’m taking action rather that getting lost in loss and overwhelm, and writing again. Writing helps me to get clarity .. and I felt like I was just starting to make headway when it was “two steps forward, three steps back”. I’ve been floundering because I’ve been wanting to write, but knowing that a new more updated version of my website might happen any day I’ve been holding out, waiting for that so I can ‘start where I left off’. But I’ve also been in a vulnerable space of having felt like I’d made real progress on my site and thoughts only to have them wiped out .. and so, I’ve felt embarrassed at the thought of anyone coming to this site and seeing what to me feels like ‘an old me’ but really .. I haven’t come that far. But it’s the limbo that has been the hardest .. of holding out, hoping, and feeling stopped from taking action right when I felt like I was on a roll.
I had been planning a ‘launch’ for my rings for this Friday .. but that page and some associated pages were all lost. So I’m back to square one. Still holding out in case a magic recovery is found, but really, just hanging out to start moving forward again. And hence I’m writing this post both to not be living in hope and to be taking action.
I’m in the middle of a massive clear out of my house .. both of other people’s stuff that has been weighing me down, as well as of my own stuff. And frankly, I’ve been stuck in overwhelm. But at least I’m on a path towards shifting that overwhelm. I have to acknowledge the sense of wasted energy and time that all this ‘stuff’ has had on me and continues to have while I wade through this mountain of clutter. But I’m clear that I have to move through to the other side so I can begin to really start to move forward with my life and my plans. And I should probably stop to contemplate how this sense of overwhelm has really held me back for such a long time. It is a sense of confusion I have carried with me since childhood and that has had me constantly searching and studying in an attempt to reach a point of clarity. The feeling it has on me is that of a deer stuck in headlights .. an inability to move due to a state of overwhelm and confusion about what actions to take. But I’ve been making great headway on gaining the clarity I’ve been seeking through taking action .. baby steps .. and mostly via this website. So I guess, after what felt like big breakthroughs in the past couple of months, the loss of all I had written was really quite shocking and unsettling to me. But of course .. it isn’t the end of the world. And while I hope to get those thoughts back, I can also just keep on moving on.
Stuck in hope
It’s been the hope that I may recover what I lost that has had me stopped .. stuck in limbo .. and full of ideas and thoughts I couldn’t express lest the website be recovered and then I lost what I’m writing now. But I will save these thoughts (trivial and pathetic as this post feels to me) and stay in action while I continue to live in hope.
One of my breakthroughs of late has been around my ‘psychological explorations’ and the discovery that I have ‘avoidant-dismissive attachment’. Having words that describe my feelings (and lack of feelings) is very validating. I’ve been on a path of reconnecting with the world and people for the past three years, after 43 years prior of attempting to do everything on my own and disconnect as much as possible. I’ve more to write on that but for now I am just getting my head clear and declaring where I’ve been at and moving beyond the stuck space I’ve been in.
I’m releasing this post, in rough and ready style, to start to move forward again. I’d made such big changes to my Circles of Life page that I’m hesitant to start again there until I know there is no hope of recovering what I lost. I’ll continue with my huge decluttering which is bringing up all sorts of fears .. but which once done will give me a new lease of life. And I’ll post this now just so I can keep on moving.