by Orly | Dec 5, 2016 | Blog, connection, exploration, journey
When I first heard the phrase “life is empty and meaningless” it actually gave me hope. It let me out of a lifelong bind where I was forever searching for the meaning of life. Yet despite that flash of clarity, I have continued my search. The number 42 has represented a sign of hope. By a stroke of irony on my 42nd birthday, my then old and sick partner had a high fever and delirium that meant on that wet and rainy day I had to call an ambulance, who had to call the local fire brigade for backup, and six men in muddy boots carried Ian past the birthday bunting and across the plank to the ambulance and then to hospital where the wonders of modern medicine saved his life for that day.
Yet even such clear messages have not diminished my quest to find meaning in life .. almost like the quest itself is what has given my life sense of purpose.
42 posts
I saw the other day that I have posted 42 posts on this blog. Given my affinity for this number, I had to reflect on it’s significance, since this blog is really part of my quest for meaning. This is the answer I have come to in the past few years – life is about connection.
Connection
I’m sure I could circle around this topic endlessly. If I think of the times in life I have truly felt a sense of peace, it is those moments I have felt truly connected – be it to a person, to nature, to the divine or to myself. And in fact this blog is really about connection. My life has revolved very much around a desire to disconnect, particularly from people, which in my experience have caused mostly pain, confusion and loss of self. But as I’ve been diving into pushing myself into connection and have become present to feelings, mostly bad, but feelings all the same, and with those feelings a sense of being alive.
It was some good feelings that gave me hope, that made me feel alive. I was bolstered by a rare sense of hope. But then those hopes got dashed and the dreams I’d had became a hopeless wreckage. And so I’ve been rebuilding my ship, taking care not to get too lost in my head, to allow myself to feel more grounded, and to learn to be with the bad feelings and express myself rather than wasting my life away through escape.
Movement
In fact, I have been living my life as though there IS some meaning except I am yet to find it. I believe the bigger explanation to the statement that ‘life is empty and meaningless’ is that WE attach meaning to life. It just IS. And this very much relates to my overly cerebral way of experiencing and understanding the world. Thankfully, I have also pushed myself to be very physical in my life. I think it is my saving grace. Martial arts, which I’ve been drawn to out of my hyper vigilant need to protect myself on solo adventures, have allowed me to connect to myself and others. Swimming and cycling have been my main other forms of being in my body. Yet even as I think of these I realise that each give me scope to think at the same time. But a big lesson that aikido continues to bring me is that I need to ‘not think’ in order to act, since thinking slows me down and has me get stuck in confusion.
Being
Perhaps the big lesson for me in this lifetime is around being rather than thinking.
‘I am therefore I am’.
No wonder I’ve made myself so confused .. trying to think my way to clarity when the answer is simply ‘to be’. And perhaps therein lies the challenge .. how to be.
Solo explorations
My life has been a solo exploration. I believe my drive for solo exploration has come about through a combination of personality and life experience. The curiosity was always there. The feeling of being alone likely came from feeling misunderstood as a child. The sense of being lost and confused probably came from an overactive mind along with an invalidation of my feelings that had me unsure what I thought or felt about anything. My independence – most likely from both genes and early modelling. The outcome .. a lost, confused, constantly searching and exploring mind, embracing the lostness and aloneness as though it was something I desired, but leading me further and further into a state of complete hopelessness.
Finding my way
Feeling my feelings and expressing them to others (rather than cutting off from feelings and endlessly talking to myself) has been a path I’ve been walking that has also been like climbing out of a deep dark hole. It’s a rocky path, but I have a sense of hope. Deep down, or maybe closer to the surface, I know that I’m not alone .. and yet alone at the same time. That’s life.
Ever onwards.
by Orly | Dec 1, 2016 | Blog
On the spectrum of risk taking I lean very much toward carefulness. Generally, risks I’ve taken have been considered and calculated. I’ve pushed myself close to the edge many times .. even in life risking ways .. but I’m rarely impetuous.
So, in a moment of insanity last weekend I swung the pendulum the other way a bit when after looking at the stretch of mountain bike track before me, aptly labelled ‘rollercoaster 1’, having initially halted to declare “Joey, I can’t do this!”, followed by him saying “I’ll go”, and racing off down the rollercoaster and up the other side, I considered the likelihood that perhaps I could fly over all the bumps and simply focus on staying upright, took a breath, and dived down this crazy mountain bike track on my over 20 year old, unmaintained and non-mountain bike. In retrospect it was an accident waiting to happen and I half wonder if I didn’t do it on purpose at some level .. since my now very sore left shoulder that has put my left arm out of action has opened up the time I needed to focus on some things I’ve had to neglect with all that has been filling up my time lately .. and incidentally, mostly very physical stuff that requires the use of both arms. In some ways, the accident has been a godsend. I suspect I might have been hurt much more badly had I not had the body awareness and fitness I have, and the accident could have been much worse. So I feel quite grateful
So .. what point am I getting at?
I think I’m looking to see where I now stand on the subject of risk. I know I have spent my life being overly cautious and it has held me back from ‘life’ quite a lot. But I also think my carefulness has allowed me to do much riskier things by taking special care .. it has allowed me to go closer to the edge so to speak. And I have wondered at times whether I need that intense feeling of presence that comes from being close to the edge, as a way to simply feel.
But this past year or so of stepping outside of my comfort zone to where I don’t have that sense of control that comes from careful consideration has also brought me back to life and to the awareness of feelings and emotions – even if that means nursing a hurt shoulder.
Since I have a dream of creating large organic sculptural forms that people can move through or climb over and explore in all different sorts of ways, the issue of risk is very pertinent. I have a desire for people to be able to explore spaces in new ways, and to be able to experience challenge or adventure in their own way, to push boundaries .. but at the same time, there cannot be any seriously dangerous scenarios. I think some perceived danger, like views out from high places that don’t have threat of physical danger, is how I will intend it. I’m still in the process of fine-tuning the design of Cloudscape through the 1:20 model, but that has all come to a standstill at the moment with too many other projects on the go. But I will return to it soon and the risk aspect of it will always be present. Looking up the etymology of risk which it seem is a bit uncertain, the origins of the word may come from ‘riscare’ or ‘running into danger’. So it is around diving in rather than standing on the edge. And I’ve mostly just stood on the edge, watching, working out what dangers could be present, but not acting. Thinking rather than acting. Rarely, if ever, ‘out of control’.
Like most things, I think there needs to be a balance.
Risking versus Control
I guess we all gain control of our environments in different ways and for different reasons. But I’m seeing that for me, as a details person and consequently perhaps a control freak of a sort. I think that I’ve needed to feel in control because I’m constantly sorting through so much minutiae in how I look at the world .. and needing to hold all those threads together and feel like I know what will happen next, and to have a sense of certainty over what will happen – not be tossed to the whim of the Universe or somebody else’s agenda. And I’ve had a determined mission to do things my way so that implies a fair need to control things and have them the way I like them. And to me it makes sense because it is what allows me to be in the world living toward my potential rather than sucked dry by external demands and expectations.
This is also an old blueprint that I am currently unravelling and exploring. Looking to see what serves me and what no longer serves me so I’m not carrying baggage that is holding me back. And being a collector, I’m bound to have a bit of baggage.
As part of my constant search for clarity and simplicity, I have not sought risk that brings chaos and drama to my life. I think I have used risk to feel life, but for me risking has mostly been : solo, close to the edge, of my own choosing, interesting in some way, exploring in some sort of extreme / unconventional way, conscious.
Enough
Enough rambling here. Off now to complete my current module on ‘facilitate the empowerment of people with disability’. I feel more aware of the limitations of disability even just from my shoulder injury. It has been helpful in many different ways.
Say Yes! to the universe
‘Say Yes! to the Universe’ is a concept that really speaks to me. It fits my view of seeing life as a huge lesson and each thing that happens, say Yes! and trust that it is leading you to where you need to go. And in writing this I just saw a place where I’ve been saying No! .. and so I see it’s time to turn that around. It has been around a determined refusal to shift my thinking and clinging to what is familiar and comfortable.
Is there anybody out there?
If you’ve read this and would like to respond with your own views or experiences of risk, please do.
by Orly | Nov 25, 2016 | Blog, connection, exploration, journey
Hello,
So much for my questioning whether I could write a daily post. The answer is clearly no, because I need space. My need for space and freedom has driven my whole life, and I’m not going to suddenly impose a public daily discipline on myself. I will allow myself the freedom to choose my own agenda. The main reason I would make a regular commitment would be as a form of discipline to force me out of my comfort zone. But I’ve done enough stretching out of my comfort zone lately so I’m happy to give myself some leeway. For the past two weeks I’ve had a shock to the system with 40 hour weeks, starting 6.30am, doing work that has had me on a steep learning curve. It’s part of a process of completely shifting and transforming my life. It includes leaving behind the work that has been my main source of a meagre income since finishing school, and what has typically felt like my only ‘marketable’ skill – architectural drafting. The new work I am training for is as a carer, specifically aged care for people living in their homes. So it’s a shift toward people rather than ideas. And I’ve spent my life avoiding people and only pursuing ideas .. so it is quite a dramatic turnaround for me. I’m only intending to do this work part time while I continue to push ahead with my other ventures .. but it feels good to be helping people and to be able to sustain myself in the process.
Jumping
I feel as though I have been throwing myself into ‘life’ lately. Jumping into this course was very spontaneous and I hadn’t quite grasped what I was jumping into at the time. I didn’t realise my whole life would go on hold as a result .. right when I was fully inspired to do so many other things. But all those things have to wait until this course is done and my new life begins.
For a while I’ve been saying that my life will begin next year. I feel like I’ve been in a holding chamber and I’m getting ready to step out. Writing this blog is part of my process of letting go of old ideas and structures.
“Not enough time”
This has been a trigger of mine most of my life .. a constant feeling that I need more time to do whatever it is I want to do (and consequently loading up my to do list it seems in order to have a sense of moving forward. And this year I have been taking on so many more courses, having planned at the beginning of the year that I would put a stop to doing any more courses. So I’ve been very reluctant to start any new courses – and yet I have taken on three courses this year that have stretched me in different ways and been part of my life transformation. And they have also led me to places that were uncomfortable and had me look at my life in ways I hadn’t before.
Life
I’ve decided that ultimately, my purpose with this blog is an exploration of Life. And a raw and open exploration at that. I think I am in a process of opening up .. and exploring the world in new ways.
Redesign
We experience and relate to the world with beliefs and structures that are carried unconsciously. I’ve started to uncover some of the ways I believed the world to be and see them as simply blueprints formed early in life that have impacted how I have related to the world and particularly to people. In seeing the patterns I have the opportunity to change them .. though that isn’t as easy as it seems, after a lifetime of practice. My particular blueprint has been a need to have time alone, lots of time, to think and dream and plan and explore .. and it has been strongly a pattern of moving away from people. The work I am starting to do challenges this pattern in a big way.
Disappearing
This year is disappearing. It’s a strange feeling. I have my general angst over ‘not enough time’ .. but the same time I’m in a bit of a time warp, and in a process of letting go of timing and ‘pushing’ and allowing things to collapse and transform. While I need to start making some money – which has been hugely scarce with my attention consumed by my course – at a time I had created an opportunity to start making money selling the Circle of Life rings – I’ve had to let go of the urgency and trust that things were where they needed to be. And while I haven’t completely abandoned the idea of drafting drawings for projects and designs – I’ve given up relying on it as a source of income – and that is very liberating.
We are approaching New Moon and I wonder what I will consciously let go of this time round. What physical, mental or emotional baggage will I let go of. The physical is easy to see. My house has an overabundance of ‘stuff’ that I need to sort through and clear. So far, using the Konmari process, I have cleansed my wardrobe and that has been so refreshing. Here are some photos of my drawers. Clarity! I didn’t take a ‘before’ picture, but just imagine twice as much stuff in a messy pile.
Clear and ordered tops drawer
Clear and ordered undies drawer
Awaiting sorting
Apart from my clothes, my life is in a state of having been tipped out and is in a process of clearing, reordering and choosing.
I asked for some guidance in meditation tonight and got the message that ‘my voice’ can connect my heart and my mind. In other words, I need to keep writing and sharing my voice. I know that this is my journey. And it feels both meaningless and meaningful at the same time.
Signing off
I have said enough for now, and I’m struggling to stay awake.
My bed is calling me.
Toward Infinity.
X
by Orly | Nov 15, 2016 | Blog, Evolution, exploration, independence, journey
Hello,
I’ve been writing regularly on this blog lately with today being my 7th day in a row. I’ve been wondering whether I should carry on this jaunt of writing every day or whether I should allow my writing to wax and wane. I know periods of silence will be necessary .. but it seems that since I’m on a bit of a roll, that I had best continue.
Right now my energy is waning. I was up and ‘at work’ earlier than I would normally even be awake. I left a sleeping 10 year old to have to get himself up, dressed, breakfasted, lunch packed into bag and trek to the bus stop all on his own for the first time ever. I expect, like the times he’s gone off on trips without me, that his confidence will jump up a notch, which must be good thing. I’m really lucky to have such a cool, calm and capable son. He doesn’t have the hang ups that I have .. being much more of the relaxed type .. but nor does he have the same drive. But he’s driven in his own way and I feel very blessed.
I didn’t know if I’d even write today given my tiredness .. but this writing feels a bit like meditation .. a healthy practice in support of my evolution.
Ironically, my tendency to want lots of time to do things and not feel rushed is coming to light from a different perspective this next couple of weeks by people who themselves need plenty of time to do things. I think I’ll be able to keep exploring life and myself in a different way during my work experience. It is challenging me in interesting ways. My goal is to work in the community, helping people to stay independent. But my requisite work experience is in a nursing home where everyone is quite dependent. 8 hours down, 112 hours to go.
I was meant to be working on assignments right now .. but instead I’m writing this and preparing to switch off so I’m not too tired tomorrow (like today after about 4.5 hours sleep).
Blessings on the journey .. :)
Charmaine
by Orly | Nov 14, 2016 | Blog, connection, Enneagram, Evolution, exploration, independence, journey
Hello,
I’m letting inspiration guide my writing at the moment .. and ‘learning to feel’ is a lesson I am currently learning .. to become aware of and open with my feelings. In my household growing up, joyful and happy feelings were much appreciated .. while painful emotions caused deep distress or disconnect. So I learnt to cut off from my emotions. Over time I made a virtue of it. It was a case of mind over matter.
Such a strategy developed in early childhood isn’t likely to carry us through life without any hiccups. My cutting off from feelings, along with a cutting off from needs, also made me need to cut off from people. And while I managed ‘on my own’ for more than 42 years .. it came to take me down through a spiralling circle of confusion and escapism. What helped me to come out of my pit of despair was the realisation that I needed to connect with people and speak out.
I started a new job today. The goal is to support aged people to live at home, though my work experience is at a nursing home. In a lovely twist this work is, for me, about independence and connection at the same time. It feels like the next step in an upward spiral I’ve been on. I am very protective of my time and energy and have always been resistant to working with people too much lest my energy get completely drained. But I’m discovering that learning to be present to my own needs and feelings (which I never have been) .. and practicing being in my body and grounding myself (another thing I haven’t been conscious to do) is how I can be with people and stay open but not allow myself to get lost in the process.
And talking of lost .. which I now discover is an offshoot from cutting off from emotions .. I’ve been thinking about how I have spent my whole life feeling lost and constantly searching for an answer that explains life, the universe and everything. And my biggest breakthroughs around being lost have been:
1996-ish : bushwalking in Kakadu when I got completely lost and by connecting inward to intuition (due to extreme urgency) – and found my way back in a magical way.
2001-ish – Landmark Education course – discovered ‘my act’ was “I don’t know”. When discovered this, the flash of insight about how I’d almost driven myself crazy with getting stuck in loops in my thinking. For some weeks after the realisation and clarity, I felt confident, I knew what I wanted, I felt at peace, my constant hesitation had a rest.
2014 : discovered the Enneagram and felt like my understanding of people all fell into place. It felt like a mind blowing experience and has brought me a lot of peace. I guess I feel less lost and confused now that I can understand better how and why people respond to the world in different ways .. and it also gave me a lot more compassion for myself and how I had experienced the world.
2016: started opening up about my thoughts and feelings to a friend, and this has been a really clarifying and liberating experience. Also talking to a psychologist who is helping me to make sense of my world and my life. For the first time I started to feel what I wanted, and ask for it.
It seems that returning to feelings is my pathway to having direction in my life. And it makes sense really .. because when I just thought about how directions feel when disconnected from feelings I had a vision of a person with a crazy scramble of thoughts happening in his head. And, well, moving ultimately happens with the body, not the head .. so moving to the senses makes sense.
I have two weeks, as of tomorrow, with a job placement with early mornings. It’s only for a short time .. but it is bound to be a big shock to my system. I’ll be started work before I’d normally even be awake. It feels like a baptism of fire. I guess I’ll have to start having early nights. I have a sense it could be what I need to properly shift me into a healthier and more productive lifestyle (i.e. going to bed earlier and waking up earlier). And I have some huge resistance to ‘conforming’ .. though it is only temporary. I’m starting to see how I have resistance to ‘having’ to do anything or to having to do things the way someone else tells me. And of course I’ve done plenty of both .. but my point is that I see that as a response to my childhood (I think my nature defied conformity) and it is a pattern, or a blueprint, that I am carrying with me. And I have an opportunity to have a different experience .. simply by bringing consciousness to the situation.
And so .. life becomes an adventure .. so long as I keep throwing myself into it. When I withdraw I have lots of fun mind adventures .. but ultimately there is an emptiness. By being in life I am confronted with feelings of pain and discomfort .. and I think it is the memory of the emptiness and a sense of hope that has me push through the swamp .. and conscious of the fact that in the muck, is life.
I will sign off for now ..
Onward march ..
x
