The moment of surrender is not when life is over, it’s when it begins. – Marianne Williamson
Lost
I’m standing on a rock platform, surrounded by hill after hill of rocks. There are no distinguishing features. The landscape is so vast and surreal I could be standing on the moon. A deluge of monsoonal rain has transformed the land around me into a multitude of streams in every direction. I have my backpack on my back, compass in my hand, and I’m completely lost.
Around five hours prior I’d urged the friend I was walking with to power on, allowing me to stroll at my own, more relaxed pace. We’d organised to meet up at a creek on the map some distance ahead. The national park is about to close for the wet season and our car is two days walk away.
Arriving at the creek my friend is nowhere to be seen. The creek runs through a rocky gorge and I wander down the gorge to find her. Hot from my walk and discovering a perfect swimming hole I strip off for a dip. This is paradise. Refreshed I get dressed, load my backpack on my back and scramble up the side of the gorge for a better view. Still no sign I move to another spot for a different perspective. Next thing I know, I’ve lost the creek. Compass in hand I scout around, only to become more and more lost. Now I’m not looking for my friend, I’m simply searching for the creek. At some point I find a tiny stream but it’s too small to be the creek. Soon I’ve lost that too.
Freedom to explore
Being lost and exploring is something I’ve seemed drawn to this lifetime. Many of my peak moments have involved landing in foreign places and wandering aimlessly, enjoying the state of heightened awareness and the spirit of wonder and discovery. So it was a while before I started to feel any concern. I wandered up, down and around the rocky landscape for what seemed like hours, searching for the creek, my eyes constantly on my compass.
As the sun started to move towards the horizon my search became more frantic. It was now late afternoon and I was no closer to finding my way. The storm arrived, monsoon style, bringing torrents of rain. With dismay I watched the dry landscape transform into a tapestry of creeks in every direction. It was stunning and awe-inspiring. It was also terrifying. My only guide, the elusive creek, had effectively disappeared. And time was running out. I had the food. My friend had the tent. And I had no idea where I was.
Divine guidance
As I stood on that rock platform, daylight fading, I had to do something. I looked at my compass, feeling into the totality of my movements since leaving the creek. I decided, on balance, that I’d been moving north-west. I set my compass for south-east and made a beeline. If there was a rock I climbed over it, if there was a ledge, I jumped. The sun was fading fast and I was charging forward.
Suddenly, I landed at the creek. I looked down and saw a bandaid I’d removed for my swim. I had landed at the exact spot where I first left the path. I started running upstream, calling out to my friend. Then I heard her calling out to me. She’d been calling out all afternoon. We were reunited and, the next moment, it was pitch black dark.
How you do anything is how you do everything.
That experience seems to reflect my life. Aimless wandering for the joy of discovery, doing course after course and job after job has been the pattern of my life. Not feeling a sense of pressure or urgency until the last minute. Trusting that I’ll be okay with moments of panic and desperation thrown in. And a wilful desire to do things at my own pace and in my own way.
True north
As we journey through life, our feelings are our guidance system and joy is our true north. But our internal compass is often tampered with in the process of socialisation. What brings us joy doesn’t alway align with the needs or desires of our family or society. Our need to survive and belong often requires us to abandon our own needs and preferences and to take on those of our society or caregivers. In this way we get disconnected from our internal motivation and become driven by external motivators.
When our feelings aren’t understood, valued or appreciated by our caregivers, we learn not to trust them. Instead we allow outside forces to guide our life and we ‘lose ourself’.
For me, disconnected from my feelings and also refusing to conform with society, led to me spending a lot of my life feeling lost and alone. It was the price I paid for freedom. I mistook freedom for joy. But it was a freedom born of disconnection and sadness.
With the sun moving across the sky of my lifetime, the pressure to find my way and to feel connected has intensified and I’ve been exploring ways to recalibrate my compass.
Love thyself
Since feelings are our compass, an important part of aligning with our sense of direction and purpose is connecting with our feelings and desires. To do this we need to learn to love ourselves.
I’m reading a book by Teal Swan called ‘Shadows Before Dawn – finding the light of self-love through your darkest times’. This book shares the author’s journey from self-hate to self-love, as well as a ’tool-kit to self love’.
What would someone who loves themselves do?
The first tool for self love is this: Every time you need to make a decision, ask yourself – What would someone who loves themselves do?
The book suggests you commit to doing this for 365 days. I’ve committed. Do you want to join me?
My gift
As I lay in bed this morning, breathing into the deep sadness I’ve been feeling, I remembered. Cloudscape was my vision, designed as a tool for finding my way, speaking up, and connecting with others. It is my antidote to feeling lost and alone. And it is my gift to the world as both a symbol and a tool for hope and connection. My compass is set.
With love, Orly
PS What would someone who loves themselves do? Ask yourself this every time you need to make a decision. You’re worth it!
I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do (HAL 9000) from ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’
Plugging in
I remember the night I first hooked up the internet in my home. I was living in Haberfield, Sydney and it must have been the early 2000’s. The blue ethernet cable snaked its way from the phone socket in the middle of the house to my office in the front room. As someone who valued privacy and isolation to an unhealthy extreme, I felt some fear at the sense of opening up this direct channel to the outside world.
Awakening consciousness
In the twenty years since then we’ve entered a new world. The internet and it’s capacity has expanded exponentially. It has become a powerful force in the world. And it has led, I believe, to an awakening of consciousness on the planet, with an ever expanding amount of people, ideas, information and connections.
Expanding unconsciousness
And at the same time, if you’ve watched The Social Dilemma on Netflix or even just observed your own experience, you will know that the internet, via the programs that use it, has also expanded the human capacity for unconsciousness. Because while humans are accessing and sharing information via the internet, so too computers are collecting copious amounts of data on our usage patterns, interests and connections, which is then used to manage the types and ways that information comes to us. And in this way, Artificial Intelligence is becoming more conscious and is in turn deepening our unconsciousness.
Knowledge is power.
As a 5 on the Enneagram, seeking out endless amounts of information is how I have tended to pursue a sense of competence and confidence. The internet has been a drug like no other in this regard. And I have definitely benefited from the information and teachings available 24/7. But along with that has also come a sense of overwhelm given the infinite supply.
Yes, knowledge is power. But I’m starting to think that consciousness is a superpower.
The Awakening
2020 has been a year that has shaken up, activated or affected almost every human on this planet thanks to the impacts of coronavirus. The planet has experienced an awakening of consciousness.
And the internet has come into its own during this time as a tool for connection and finding and sharing information – as well as a source of comfort, disconnection and misinformation.
At the start of the year I was already on determinedly turning my life around. And I’ve taken many bold actions and learnt many valuable lessons. But I’ve also been lulled by the endless streams of information. And while I generally endeavour to follow a wide range of people and ideas, I’ve no doubt also been influenced by the networks of people and information I have been consuming.
It’s less than eleven weeks till the end of 2020. Are there any dreams or desires you had at the start of the year that you’ve lost focus of? There is still time! Or maybe your whole life got tipped upside down and your priorities have changed? Now is a great time to look at the goals your wrote down, and set some intentions for harnessing the power of this year and finishing strong.
Embrace discomfort
Comfort comes into your house first as guest, then as a host, then finally as the master. – Kahlil Gibran
The internet offers so much .. connection, clarity, comfort .. but it can also suck your time and your life force if you aren’t careful.
I invite you to join me in taking actions outside your comfort zone in order to consciously create your life. For me this involves putting offers out there and practicing being with the feelings that come up.
Make 2020 a year to up-level your life. You are the master of your destiny.
With love, Orly
PS If you’d like some help seeing and shifting your unconscious patterns, I’m currently offering 1 hour ‘Pattern interrupter sessions’ for $55. Book your sessions HERE. Let’s up-level together!
“This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the bluepill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember: all I’m offering is the truth. Nothing more.” – The Matrix.
How can I become more conscious? What is my shadow? What do I want? These are some things I’ve been pondering. An experience in the past week helped to shed some light.
The weather was warm and inviting and I’d planned a school holiday adventure with Joey. We were scootering from Urunga to Hungry Head where I’d have a swim, while Joey waited, before we rode back. By all appearances things were idyllic. Joey had come along without complaining and we were enjoying the ride and each other’s company. But inside I was plummeting. I felt like I’d jumped off a cliff and was free-falling. Despite being happy and connected to Joey on the surface, inside I was feeling untethered, adrift, and completely alone. And thoughts and memories reinforcing my aloneness kept coming up .. someone I wanted to be close to but felt rejected by, the aikido community I’d distanced myself from. The aloneness I’d sought most of my life was like a whirlpool sucking me into a vortex of despair.
Facing my shadow
I was facing my shadow .. the unconscious state that drives so much of our actions. The night before I had allowed myself to step into the darkness of the unknown. I had taken an action that meant choosing my desires over someone else’s.
For most of my life I’ve felt like I didn’t have any needs or desires. Around other people my way of making decisions was simply to go with what other people wanted. Since they seemed to know what they wanted and I felt indifferent it was an easy default. I was happy (or so I thought) and they were happy (or so I believed). It was a win-win. Except that it wasn’t. Because it was as though around people I ceased to exist, and I could only sense my existence when I was on my own.
Bold action
So, what had triggered the state of panic that had me feel like I was plummeting to my death? The night before I’d taken a bold action toward what I wanted, even though I ‘knew’ it would upset my mum. With my 50th birthday approaching my mum wanted to celebrate the occasion with a special family dinner. This meant a trip to Sydney and usually a stay at my mum’s place. Her home is in a great location which she makes as welcoming and accommodating as possible because she loves me staying there.
But given that it was my 50th I decided to let myself think about what I might want to do. And staying in ‘my own place’ and making this a real holiday was what I wanted to do. So I’d gone online and booked an airbnb at Bondi Beach for me and Joey for our three nights in Sydney. Instead of opting for the default and making other people happy, I’d chosen what I wanted.
Resisting the mind and choosing joy
I’d jumped despite my mind telling me that it was a waste of money and I would be causing upset. I’d jumped because this was my gift to me. This was fun for me. And consequently I felt like I was plummeting to my death. I felt alone, hopeless, untethered, lost, and like I didn’t belong in this world. I was catapulted into an existential void.
Our shadow
Our shadow parts are the parts of ourself we disowned or rejected (pushed into the shadow) at a young age because they did not feel safe. These are not ‘bad’ parts of ourself, but rather parts that weren’t accepted or were deemed a threat. But rejecting these parts just pushes them into our unconscious where they control us. Our shadow is a part of our ego that holds us back and limits us under the guise of keeping us safe.
I see the light
Having seen so clearly how unsafe it feels for me to have my own needs and desires, I have gained insight into my struggles around setting up my business. When I look logically at the idea of owning a business, and the fact that so many people do it and I admire and respect them for it – I can understand better why my mind has been sabotaging my efforts, telling me that I’m being selfish and indulgent and that I should go and do work for someone else. It is my shadow speaking, trying to keep me safe by telling me to reject my desires and to help someone else with theirs. Seeing how a simple action like booking accommodation could have me feel like I’d jumped off a cliff, it’s clear how powerful these shadows can be.
Breaking free
Breaking out of the matrix of our old beliefs and conditioning is not easy. It’s not comfortable. And it takes a strong push to take actions that don’t align with our default ways of being.
But breaking out of unconscious, automatic ways of being is part of waking up.
“Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man” – Aristotle
Maybe the motivation, or need to wake up is stronger and more essential for some people than others. Here’s how I see it right now:
The patterns for our life are formed in our first seven years. If that time was easy and pleasant, or if you were naturally resilient and not highly sensitive, those early patterns might serve you and allow your life to flow easily. But maybe you were highly sensitive to the feelings of others, or faced chaos, an unhealthy, dangerous or destructive environment, or a family where you felt you didn’t fit in, and that the patterns you formed were out of alignment with your true self so that life feels hard and not in flow.
If you’re lucky enough that things flow easily, you might just coast along and live a pleasant enough life where nothing short of a major catastrophe could alter your trajectory.
If you’ve struggled with things not flowing so easily, with unhealthy patterns or beliefs disrupting your sense of peace, I see two options. You can live in a death-like state of low-grade misery, enduring life, perhaps with moments of peace and joy, adopting coping strategies that keep you unconscious – like denial, avoidance or addictions to numb the pain. Or you can face the pain, go into the shadows, and learn to become more conscious and alive.
The work of waking up
The following message popped up in an email today and I feel like it forms a nice summation what I’ve just shared:
“This work, the work of waking up more deeply and growing up more fully, is a very high form of activism. Every action you take is infused with your current inner state. States of consciousness are highly contagious.” – Scott Schwenk
Red pill or blue pill. Which do you choose?
With love, Orly
PS If you’re interested in exploring shadow work, Teal Swan has a lot of free videos on the topic. Here is one: Diving Deep (Shadow Work)
PPS The quote at the end came from within a breathwork course/journey I am currently doing on the Commune platform called Abundant Joy
But the wild things cried, “Oh please don’t go- we’ll eat you up- we love you so!” And Max said, “No!”
-Maurice Sendak
Hello.
In thinking of what to write about this week my thoughts went down two separate tracks. The first was on the topic of rules and conventions. The second was on love and human connection. Instead of two separate emails I’m pulling them together.
‘Unconventional’ is a term I strongly relate to. I’ve always liked to do things my own way and have railed at the idea of having to live according to ‘society’ conventions. I’ve also railed against people who tell other people how they should do things while also being drawn to these confident, opinionated people with a sense of wonder and awe.
Rules are an antidote to chaos, which is very appealing, but too much order and predictability is boring and stagnant. Rules are like a taming of nature, and I’ve tended to resent any sort of taming or manipulation that attempts to pin me down and control me. I love wildness, freedom, spirit.
When I look back on my life I can see my determination to not follow conventions has given me some freedom to live life my own way. The social conventions of marriage and a nuclear family did not appeal to me. And a relationship with someone 32 years older than me felt perfectly acceptable. Not fitting in to the norms of society afforded freedom and a release from unwanted expectations.
My relationship with Ian had nothing to do with fitting into society and everything to do with inspiration, expansion, human connection and mutual admiration and respect.
Love and human connection was the other topic I wanted to write about, particularly after spending a week with my sister and sister-in-law whose relationship is so inspiring to me. The joy of spending time with them is bittersweet because I feel such joyful connection being with them and at the same time keenly feel the pain of my singleness.
On this latest trip we watched a series on Netflix called Love on the Spectrum. It follows the journey of some people, all on the autistic spectrum, as they start dating in the quest to find love. The show is touching and heartwarming and I felt admiration, love and respect for the bravery and vulnerability of each person.
Dating with strangers is something I’ve never really done. I find even the idea of it petrifying and have found many excuses for not doing it. My biggest excuse has been that ‘I’m fine on my own’ – which I am, and that ‘I’m not desperate’ – which I’m not. But watching these brave souls admit to wanting a partner and taking action to make it happen has really inspired me. I’ve tended to feel a lot of shame at even the thought that I might not be totally happy alone. I grew up seeing the desire for connection as a sign of weakness. And yet when I think back, I know that the years I spent with Ian were some of the happiest in my life. And my connection with Joey is so precious. Deep human connection is really important to me. And me being alone is something I’ve learned to endure and be okay with, but ultimately it cuts me off from life. And while I’m a master at enduring life (as was Ian), I’m finally practicing enjoying it too.
As we set some end of holiday parting goals for the final three months of this year, I rather vulnerably declared that I would go on at least three dates by the end of this year. If those vulnerable and challenged people in the show can do it .. then surely I can too. And ultimately, though I’ve spent a lot of my life avoiding people, I also love them.
And maybe I’ll find some unconventional way of dating and finding mutual love. I’ll let you know in three months time.
A man that is born falls into a dream like a man who falls into the sea. … The way is to the destructive element submit yourself, and with the exertions of your hands and feet in the water make the deep, deep sea keep you up. In the destructive element immerse. – Joseph Conrad (Lord Jim)
This quote is one of my strongest memories of high school. I didn’t finish reading the book until after we’d finished studying it (I got by on the crib notes) but I remember studying for the exam and this quote being drummed into me. “In the destructive element immerse” was in my head all through my aikido class on Wednesday night. I’ve been in an existential crisis this past week .. feeling adrift, untethered, floating in the existential void while I tried to get a grasp on the purpose of my life.
The conditions for this existential crisis were perhaps a perfect storm of events: a phone call on Monday that had me seriously reflecting on the direction and purpose of my business/work (‘my work in the world’ is the area of life I’ve struggled with the most this lifetime) .. overlaid with hormones, a particular interaction that shook me up, and maybe even the moon.
But it is less the existential crisis than the calm after the storm I wanted to write about. Because on Thursday, after a fitful night without sleep, where my body felt like it was burning up (I’ve since changed the doona) and I was immersed in a maelstrom of intense feelings, even praying to mother Mary who kept reminding me to ‘let it be’ .. I emerged into Thursday raw and tender and had a most magical and serendipitous day.
Was it coincidence that Thursday was the new moon, and I’d done a simple ritual on the previous new moon? That ritual seems to have been really powerful because when I repeated the ritual at the end of the day and looked back on the month just gone, I was amazed by what had been achieved in that one month. Essentially, I took lots of actions I’d been thinking about for a long time that allowed for big shifts. I think the biggest shift was .. I had found a way to give myself permission.
Which brings me to Thursday. I dissolved into Thursday starting with an ‘integration’ breathwork session at the crack of dawn, followed by a writing session. The day to unfolded almost effortlessly. I drove Joey to school (which I love to do but don’t do often) and came home to work on my model. At 9.00 I sat in on a business coaching Zoom call that I thought was going to be about mindset but turned out to be on strategy. I shared that my focus had shifted to the sculpture rather than the coaching but didn’t want advice since I knew what I needed to do. On the call a friend and fellow artist based in the U.S. messaged me and we caught up straight after to plan our first mastermind meeting for next week which feels like a perfect match for both of us. Then I worked on the Cloudscape model while watching the recording of a ‘witches roundtable’ call that had happened overnight. I took the model as far as I could before setting off for a swim in the ocean. On the way I revisited the Urunga Small Sculpture Prize exhibition to see if the sculpture I’d fallen in love with was still available. If it was I figured it was meant for me. It was. The piece ‘Bateau d’ amore’ is a boat filled with hearts and wings for sails. I feel like this piece symbolises my vision for Cloudscape in it’s holding of hearts and taking people on a journey. At the gallery I had an amazing conversation with the artist on duty. Her woodcarving piece had made an impression on me when I first saw it and our conversation flowed in all sorts of directions and left me inspired to get back to woodcarving. While I was in the gallery a woman who still works at the nursing home where I used to work came in. She told me about some of the residents who had passed on which brought back some nice memories and I have been able, following that discussion, to get clarity on why it was such a toxic place for me to work.
I feel like I’m starting to ramble, though I’m cutting out some detail, but the next magical event of the day came with my trip to the beach. The ocean is the place where I feel most connected and I knew I needed to dip myself in the ocean. As I turned the corner to park my car I saw someone carrying a surfboard headed down to the beach with her dog following. It was my writer’s group friend who I’d thought about only five minutes prior as I’d gotten into my car. Turned out she was on her maiden surf to christen her new surfboard, and I was there to witness it .. low tide, huge dumpers and all. I’ve since cleaned my surfboard and am excited to have a new buddy to surf with.
Back home from the beach I got back to work on my sculpture model and had the biggest (unexpected) breakthrough. After months (or rather, years) of plugging away on the piece .. it was suddenly finished. Like magic the spheres came together and the journey through the piece finally made sense. Even better was that Joey, now home from school, was sitting near me at the time.
Joey got into a game on his computer with some friends so I decided to visit a friend and take her one of the chocolate cakes I made that Joey refused to eat (I put rock salt in it which I expected to dissolve but it didn’t .. which meant chunks of salt ..). As I arrived back at home and parked in my driveway, speaking my thoughts into my Voice Memos (as I do) I noticed .. fireflies. Fireflies are pure magic to me. Together with Joey I watched a firefly move through the bouganvilia to create an ephemeral string of fairy lights.
There is more magic to share but I don’t want to overdo it. This week seriously felt like my most intense existential crisis ever. Maybe that’s just because I’ve got better at feeling. But I am taking to heart that I AM meant to be here and that Cloudscape, which I truly feel is my gift to mankind as a place for connection, exploration and acceptance, is meant to happen.
The five and a half years since I first came up with Cloudscape has been an intense journey full of side trips, adventures and a lot of inner work. And with the model created, a new chapter begins.
I help creative entrepreneurs (and curious explorers) who feel stuck, confused or disconnected, to find clarity, take action, and fall in love with life.
Your presence is needed. Your voice is important. Things will get better.
With a journey through the Enneagram and a project you want to complete you will start to see your blocks, break through and into action, enjoy the satisfaction and learn the lessons that project taught you.
Your learnings then take you through into your next project.
About me
Orly Grace
Writer, Sculptor, Guide.
I share lessons from my quest to find clarity and meaning in life.
I use the Enneagram as a system of divine transformation that shows you your lessons and helps you to see your aligned path forward.
Choose your project to get started. You can do my free QUIZ.
