In 2014 I was early in my journey of setting up a business, but I was struggling. I came across a free ebook that described the nine personality types of the Enneagram in terms of being a business person. I printed off the ebook and started reading through the descriptions starting with ‘type 1′. When I got to ‘type 5’ — the investigator — I was blown away. I read about aspects of myself that i had felt were what was wrong with me — the things I’d felt ashamed of, like holding back, being a loner, endlessly studying and searching .. and realised I wasn’t alone — that there were huge numbers of people who thought and felt like I did.
This was the start of a deep journey in which I learnt about all of the types and for the first time I started to understand people. As I lay in bed at night, thinking about all these types, and piecing together a lifetime of interactions and confusion, I felt like my life was a massive puzzle that was falling into place.
One of the biggest gifts of learning about the Enneagram was that, in understanding myself and others more clearly, I could feel love and appreciation for what each person, including myself, was experiencing.
What followed was a journey back to the world, as I had removed myself from the world and ‘society’ to an extreme degree.
The best way to learn about the Enneagram is, much like I did, to read the descriptions of each of the types and to see what resonates.
The Enneagram describes a path of spiritual evolution.
In the past year I have started to learn a completely different way of understanding the Enneagram that precedes the personality structure approach. This is Fourth Way teachings and the Enneagram describes a process of evolution which I am beginning to study as ‘an objective way of awakening’.
This ancient symbol has a lot of depth and is something I expect I will be studying my whole life.
Anyway, this is a very simple (overly simple) introduction. I LOVE the Enneagram and I recommend it as a powerful tool for self awareness and guidance.
“I feel like I’m turning a corner” I said to my friend on our coffee date .. realising as I said it that I’d said it before. I was following a new teacher, studying something inspiring, FEELING like I was evolving.
I’d been on a mission to improve my life for years with constant learning and studying .. getting glimmers of hope through the process. And yet, I still seemed to be ‘stuck’. As we chatted, one of us had the thought .. yes, I WAS turning a corner .. because I was going round in circles. My ego had outsmarted me. While my soul was striving for expansion, my ego was helping me FEEL like I was expanding, but I was in my comfortable old pattern of gathering information, with dopamine hits from each spark of insight. This was how I’d always been .. a lover of learning .. my ego was smack bang in it’s happy place.
The battle between the soul and the ego
Your soul desires evolution But your ego wants nothing to change. Your soul desires freedom. Your ego desires safety. Your soul operates on love. Your ego operates on fear.
This is the push-pull of life as a human.
A matter of life or death
So what does it take to expand into our potential? How do we break free of the limitations of our thinking and our past patterns? How do we transcend our everyday reality.
The answer is simple (but not easy). We need to LEAP.
The big leap
The soul’s expansion feels like death to the ego .. a break from the way things have ‘always’ been. But being caught in the web of attachments and patterns created by the ego is like death to the spirit. So .. how do we break free of the clutches of ego, of the old patterns? It takes leaping into the unknown .. listening to the nudges of the spirit .. and TRUSTING that you will be okay .. a ‘leap of faith’.
The hero’s journey
Most book and movie plots revolve around this leap into the unknown and the transformation that comes out of it. Following the spirit’s ‘call to adventure’, the ‘hero’ of the story at first refuses the call (our ego knows it isn’t ‘safe’ and resists). In life that’s often where the story ends and we go back to doing the same old same old. But if we follow the call, and jump into the unknown, now we’re on our ‘hero’s journey’.
My latest leap
Just over two months ago, determined to find clarity, direction and focus in my business ventures, I set a ‘launch’ date, and announced it to my coaching group and on my Instagram feed.
I chose the full moon two months ahead as my date. This made sense since I’ve been using the new moon each month to set intentions and reflect on that month’s progress. I figured two months would give me time to really dive into creating and exploring in order to develop my mould making skills and produce some pieces before I needed to get serious about how to make money.
Enter the free fall
Setting the date was a leap into the unknown with the fear and exhiliration of the free fall but at that point plenty of time before I would ‘hit’ the end. What I’d given myself, and my spirit, was SPACE and PERMISSION.
I set to creating without regard to sale-ability or practicality. Starting with tiny pieces and low risk I built up in size and complexity as the weeks went on. With YouTube as my teacher, Spotify as my inspiration and my credit card as my funder I gave my spirit full rein.
As the deadline drew closer the pressure intensified and my ego which had thrived a lifetime on the identity of ‘not knowing’ was being challenged by the threat of having to ‘make a decision’ .. I felt like an alarm was going off inside me.
The day before my ‘launch’ date was the deadline for entries in a small sculpture prize exhibition. I’d only just (thanks to my deadline) completed a piece that I felt symbolises my ‘message’: Sprite — spirit of play, a maquette for a play sculpture. Inspired by my sculpture buddy’s entering two pieces in the competition I also submitted an actual ‘play sculpture’: Fingerboard Park, in it’s unfinished state.
The process of creating and considering the desired purpose of my work brought the clarity I had hoped for, as I started to consider the saleability of pieces and potential for making a living, in alignment with my top values of curiosity, connection and creativity. Public Play Sculpture had long been my big dream, but now I could see a clearer path to making it happen.
Breaking the circle
The universe is always sending us messages, and on the day of launching a strange thing happened. My nephew had been trying on some rings I’d made the night before, and one became stuck on his finger. The fire and rescue was called in to help and, using a saw and leverage, cut through the ring and opened it. Given the timing and circumstances this felt like more than just a bizarre coincidence.
From my old desire to ‘close circles’ — sealing off circles in handwriting, changing my name from C to O, and constantly needing to understand things — to the feeling of being stuck in a loop .. this broken circle felt significant. One message I take from it is that, by choosing and taking action, I break out of the loop.
Enter freedom
When we leap into the unknown we open up space for spirit to enter and support us.
What is your soul calling you to do? Is there something that feel right (but scary)?
Maybe it’s time to leap?
Speak it out loud. Make the commitment .. and then .. JUMP!
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. – Dalai Lama
Hello!
Last day of 2020. Wow.
I’ve had so many things I’ve wanted to talk about my brain has felt like exploding .. but I’m going to keep it simple and focus on one concept – the drama triangle – and how understanding and becoming a compassionate witness to this dynamic allows for more presence, love, acceptance and happiness in your life.
Let’s start with a story
So, today I got ‘rescued’ by a surf lifesaver at Valla beach. A playful way I like to push my limits is in the surf, where I love to swim out into the deep, taking calculated risks and trusting my survival instincts. Wild nature is something I love and the sea is one of my favourite and easiest ways to access it.
I’d decided to celebrate the end of 2020 with a cafe breakfast with Joey and a swim in the ocean. When we arrived at the beach I was surprised to see, for the first time, the surf lifesavers had set up with flags. This tends to be a minus rather than a plus for me as I feel obliged to swim between the flags and I’m conscious of being watched which for me detracts from the experience.
I swam way out deep to frolic in the choppy surf and big waves, and was still enjoying myself when I turned to find a surf lifesaver on a board behind me. He asked if I was okay which I said I was. But now, with him there, I figured my fun was over and I should go back to shore. He hung there as I started to swim back. Except now I felt under pressure and under surveillance. I did a burst of swimming only to look up and find I’d been swept in the opposite direction. With time I’d have found my way back, but given the situation I decided to accept the ride.
There was no drama and it ended up as a nice connection. I got a surf back to shore with this young, super nice, spunky gay body builder. I even felt like I made a friend. I also chose to see it as a positive sign of moving towards my desires – sexy male surfer – bring it on!
But I could just as easily have stepped into a victim role and felt ashamed, oppressed, judged and defensive, in other words stepped into the ‘drama triangle’ and experienced this beautiful connection as a shameful and unpleasant experience.
The conflict inherent in ‘rescuing’
This story fits in with what I want to talk about because it involves a Rescuer .. which in turn often implies there is a Victim.
I said that I was going to talk about love, and how to experience more love (including self love). So I’ll start with what love is not .. and this might sound controversial. Love is not rescuing another person. In fact, rescuing can be seen as an act of conflict.
The Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle is a dynamic model of social interaction and conflict that consists of three roles: the Victim, the Rescuer and the Judge (or Persecutor). When we are operating in this dynamic, love is not present.
We tend to play these roles unconsciously, falling into, and drawing other people into the unhealthy dynamic. We also play this conflict out in our heads, moving between victim, rescuer and judge, taking us out of the present and into a destructive mental battlefield.
A trap
The Drama Triangle is a trap that every human falls into at times. We all have a role that we gravitate towards, but we rarely stay fixed in that role.
What is so great about understanding this dynamic is that once we see it and are conscious of it, we can choose to step out of it. When we get caught in this ‘trap’ we are perpetuating a dysfunctional social dynamic while missing out on healthy relationships. This includes our relationship with ourself.
Raising consciousness
As we become the Witness to this dynamic, we are able to choose an empowered rather than disempowered perspective.
Following is an overview of the three ‘positions’. We take on all three parts, but we will tend towards one as a starting point.
The Victim
The Victim asks, Why is this happening to me?
Sees themself as oppressed, powerless, helpless, hopeless and ashamed. The Victim is convinced they can’t take care of themself.
The Victim feels they don’t have the power to change their circumstances and thus denies responsibility for their life.
They have a real difficulty making decisions, solving problems, finding pleasure and recognising their self perpetuating behaviours.
The Victim is looking for an external saviour and anyone who fails to do so becomes a persecutor (judge) – including the self.
The Rescuer
The Rescuer rushes to the scene with a soothing voice ready to help. But the Rescuer needs a victim. The Rescuer works hard to help others (while neglecting their own needs) in order to feel good about themselves. Over time though, the Rescuer becomes tired, burnout and resentful. But they feel guilty when they’re not ‘helping’, and so the pattern continues.
Also, when the Victim is ‘rescued’ they feel disempowered and helpless, so the Rescuer efforts are often met with anger and resentment.
The Judge
The Judge sits back observing the scene, directing blame and punishment – ‘it’s your fault’, ‘you deserve it’.
This ‘part’ is self righteous, and a bit of a bully. The Judge (or Persecuter) blames and criticises the Victim, keeping them oppressed through blame, shame, threats and bullying. They refuse vulnerability out of fear of being a Victim and in doing so give up their ‘humanity’.
How each role is rewarded
Every role has it’s own reward.
The Victim gets taken care of. They believe they are blameless.
The Rescuer gets to feel good. They believe they are doing a good thing by helping.
The Judge gets to feel superior. They believe it’s a hostile universe and life is out to get you.
Healing the Victim
The Victim is really just any wounded inner child ever. We don’t ‘fix’ it. Pain and suffering is not something we fix. And we don’t judge it either. We hold space for it. We accept whatever happened, and how it has affected us. And we stop holding on to ‘stories’ so we can move forward.
Evolve or repeat. Those are your options.
You are in a trap. To get out you need to stop playing the game and instead, to witness it with compassion and curiosity.
Stepping out of the triangle
The triangle must have all three parts to exist.
When you step out of the triangle, you allow for a healthier, more loving dynamic to exist. You are no longer participating in the game. You become a compassionate Witness and in this way the Victim, or wounded inner child, is able to heal.
In my defencelessness my safety lies. – A Course in Miracles
When you give up identifying as a Victim, a Rescuer or a Judge, you can let go of your defences and simply observe with mindful, neutral awareness.
Defence is the first act of war.
Becoming the Witness
Instead of participating in the drama triangle, you can step out of it and witness it with compassion and curiosity.
You can be a compassionate Witness – accepting, defenceless and simply observing. You’re not trying to change, fix or judge anything. You see every option. You are curious and honest. Every attack is seen as a cry for love and love (acceptance) is the response.
You are responsible for yourself and rather than look for a saviour, you look within. You challenge your ingrained beliefs and everything you know to be true. You own your feelings, thoughts and reactions. You are helpful and supportive and act without expectation.
As a Witness you empower with faith and trust and allow for things to transform.
Archetypal transformations
From a space of compassion:
The Victim becomes the Author The Rescuer becomes the Restorer The Judge becomes the Teacher
Take back your life
One of our greatest strengths is taking responsibility for ourselves. As you step out of the Drama Triangle, you break a destructive cycle. You are able to be in the moment rather than in your head. You can be the creator of your life.
Happy 2021
And with that, I wish you a super happy and successful year in 2021!
See you on the other side.
Orly xx
PS On December 22 I started #apoemaday practice on Instagram – inspired by an interview with Mary Oliver. Today is Day 10 and though I haven’t set a goal, I’ll be carrying this practice into 2021. It’s scary, imperfect and vulnerable .. but it’s also fun, inspiring and challenging. You can check it out HERE.
PPS If you enjoyed this email and think someone you know would get something out of it, please forward it to them.
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PPPPS With more time I’d have made this email much clearer and more succinct. But right now, action trumps perfection. Thanks for reading!
Revolution for Peace: from nuclear disarmament to the tree of life
They say you want a revolution,
Well you know, We all want to change the world.
You tell me that it’s evolution,
Well you know, we all want to change the world.
John Lennon & Paul Mccartney (from the album Love)
Declaring a revolution
There is a certain freedom that comes from declaring a revolution .. a shift away from what has gone before. And so I will take the liberty to be so bold and declare my current quest – of creating spaces within public places that invite people to explore, play and connect – as a revolution in connection.
Why connection?
As a natural loner and a keen explorer I have spent my life striving to be alone and self sufficient in order to explore freely without the demands, expectations and judgements of others. As part of my explorations I have spent my life studying people and trying to understand why we experience and respond to the world in such different ways. My confusion about people and lack of confidence in my opinions resulted in my withdrawal from society or from any self expression to the point that I felt I might as well disappear completely. Instead though, I found a way to reenter the world – bringing with me a conviction in the importance of, and indeed the need for connection.
In my study of people, I’ve come to learn that there are in fact nine distinct worldviews that shape our experience of the world, each with it’s own strengths and limitations, gifts and challenges. I see tremendous value in having spaces where people can drop their guard and their patterned ways of being in order to open up to their essence. By shifting out of everyday life, letting go of egoic patterns and beliefs, and being in the present moment, we can come to discover that we are all connected.
Why play?
Play offers opportunities to explore, to find connections and to open up our experience of the world. It keeps our minds active and agile and keeps us young. Play can offer a way to shift out of stuck ways of thinking. Play is important at all ages of life.
Yet opportunities for play in public spaces diminish after childhood. Almost all playgrounds cater primarily for youth, and adults without kids in tow tend to be viewed with suspicion or amusement if they dare to use children’s play equipment. I believe we need play spaces that cater to all ages, and indeed that invite all ages to come together. The separatist nature of most playgrounds increases disconnection and ignores the fact that people of all ages get many benefits from play. In addition, there are benefits in young and old coming together to enrich the lives of both.
Why Cloudscape?
When I try to think of places where a person who feels isolated can go and experience a sense of connection while having no expectation to be part of a group or to act in a particular way .. I draw a blank. And so I have designed Cloudscape.
Cloudscape offers a shift out of the everyday with many different ways to connect; physically (as we climb through the sculpture and move our body), mentally (as we shift out of our stuck patterns of thinking and allow ourselves to see the world afresh) and spiritually (as we surrender to the present moment and as we experience our personal connection to the world, to ourselves and to others),
A solution to isolation
Cloudscape is a solution to isolation. It is a response to a world where virtual connection has rapidly replaced personal contact resulting in a disembodied experience of the world and epidemics of obesity and depression. Balance needs to be restored, and Cloudscape offers a solution for moving forward.
From life experience
Cloudscape is a coming together of years of searching, exploring and questing on a personal journey of evolution and trying to find my place in the world. It brings together some of my ideas and skills into a mission that feels meaningful enough to pull me forward while giving me the direction and focus I have been searching for.
Having spent my life lacking the confidence to express an opinion (always seeing alternative views as equally valid), struggling to make decisions (hating to cut off possibilities) and holding back from self expression (to avoid the opinions, expectations and judgements of others) – I have finally come to develop a clearer perspective on my values, needs, strengths and what I need to do to evolve. Though hiding and flying under the radar has enabled me to explore broadly and deeply with minimum distraction, it also took me out of the world and out of connection with others, and ended up with my feeling lost, confused and alone, struggling to find purpose in life.
Coming full circle
So Cloudscape represents a coming full circle, a return to presence and self expression, and a stake in the ground that declares what I am taking a stand for. And so, with Cloudscape I am proposing a way to bring more openness, acceptance, connection and harmony to the world.
A bigger picture
My big picture view is to have these spaces in cities around the world, as places for people to reconnect and shift their thinking.
Through Cloudscape I hope to break down barriers to communication and set spirits free.
What is your perspective?
So that’s my vision and my stance. Of course I remain open to alternative views and opinions – and welcome them.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
Anais Nin
Some things I have learnt:
– if we don’t get a lesson the Universe will keep sending it to us
– Everything is relative
– We are all connected
– I am not alone
– There is a flip-side to everything .. nothing is all good or all bad
– pushing something into the shadow, trying to hide it, gives it power
– the answer to Life and How to Live is … Breath
Moving on ..
Enough philosophising for today.
I realise I need to keep it simple. My mind does a grand job of complicating things. It takes me on journeys of wonder and beauty as well as nightmarish despair.
For months I’ve been playing with ideas, writing tomes, but little has made it to the public eye.
The challenge of self expression ..
Public expression .. is my biggest challenge. And such is the irony .. that what I’m desiring to create is so very public.
Cloudscape.. a vision that has been swimming in my head for too many years.
Just recently I discovered a sketch I did in 2008
An exploration of the ‘cloud’ concept from 2008
It reminded me how long this concept has been swimming around in my head. And I could keep on thinking about it and continue to hide away .. or I can bring it to life and learn the lessons and develop the concept in reality – and in connection with other people .. which after all is a big part of the concept!
The Kickstarter challenge
The September 2015 deadline I have set for the Kickstarter campaign is fast approaching .. and the pressure of that deadline, and the accompanying onslaught of so many competing demands and distractions is taking its toll. But despite all that, I need a deadline to narrow down my focus which tends to want to scatter far and wide into every possible crevice of life. The original goal was a September 1-30 campaign .. this then shifted to a September 15-30 campaign .. and right now my new goal is September 30 – October 31 .. Halloween might be a fitting end to the campaign.
I am in the process of creating the 1:20 scale model .. which is taking longer than expected (I tend to be optimistic about how long things will take .. which is one of my downfalls). I am also in the process of creating an explanatory video for the Kickstarter campaign, plus the Kickstarter campaign itself.
This morning’s breakthrough idea
And in the meantime .. there is the rest of life. I am pushing forward (too slowly) on an application to council for someone wanting to develop an empty block of land into their dream home, plus getting a bundle of presents ready to send to lots of people, since I’m generally hopeless when it comes to presents and this is a backlog going back years (I could write a blog post on that!), and .. I could go on with my smothering to do list and the efforts I have been taking in harnessing my attentions .. but I would just start rambling (more than I already am). But I will say that publishing this blog post .. regardless of how I feel about it .. is bound to give me a rush of energy since it has been on my ‘to do’ list since the beginning of this year. This morning I had the sort of breakthrough thought that comes from intense pressure and despair. I decided I would write straight into this WordPress site .. rather than into yet another Word or OmmWriter document. And taking a nudge and a glimpse of possibility from an email I received yesterday from Brian Johnson of Philosophers Notes asking ‘What is your keystone habit?’ (that being “a habit that, when we change it, will have the greatest positive impact on our lives”) .. I am here committing (eek!) to regular (weekly?) blogging as a habit. One bonus of doing this is that it can free me from my tendency to get stuck in the thinking process. There is always more thought that can be given to any topic .. but sometimes, as I know much too well, action is more important that perfection .. and overthinking can lead to less clarity not more. I know that I will do far better at clarifying my thoughts and improving my writing by putting them out than in keeping them to myself. And while it used to be other people’s responses that I feared .. I feel ready to deal with whatever may entail.
Taking action and stretching my comfort zone
I feel like I’ve written too much already .. but since I’m on a bit of a roll I will share some of the journey I’ve been on this year. In order to break out of my shell I have made a point of forcing myself, by all sorts of trickery, out of my head and into action. This has meant speaking where I normally would stay quiet, agreeing to do things I’d normally hold back on, doing things rather than just thinking about them. And so I have been pushing against my comfort zones, moving forward .. in baby steps. It has been quite a journey .. a roller coaster really. In taking actions that are against my natural proclivity .. such as opening up and sharing my reality with others, pushing myself into connection, and accepting support – my experience has been that the Universe responds in kind. And slowly – so slowly I’ve often berated myself and felt discouraged – each small action builds upon itself, the cogs start turning, and I have been able to see some progress.
The journey toward writing this post
I will share some actions I have taken that led to this post being written today (and to perhaps explain how momentous this simple post is for me..). It may give some indication of the sort of pressure it takes for me put myself in the public eye. It started with a trip to Santa Cruz, California in February, with funds scraped together by borrowing from my son’s bank account. It says something about how desperate I was feeling to escape from the prison of my personality, as much for his sake as for mine, that I deemed this necessary. This trip was for the purpose of a deep dive into the Enneagram and exploring my personality type. On my return, having seen with some clarity how my not expressing myself was like a slow and painful death, I had the fortitude to push forward on my ‘sculpture for play’ vision enough to crystallise my thinking and submit an entry into Sculpture by the Sea. Miraculously, my proposal was accepted for the 2016 exhibition. My next big push was a grant submission to the World Domination Summit Foundation, asking for help to support me in the journey toward the creation of the prototype of Cloudscape. This grant submission wasn’t successful, but the process forced further clarity, and prompted a friend who was present while I put it together to offer to loan me the money so I could get to the World Domination Summit in Portland, Oregon in July (Thank you Victor!). My first day back in Bellingen after that magical journey of connection, a meet up of the Bellingen Co-Working group was organised (my joining that group is another step I’ve taken this year). On this day the organiser, Thea, had organised an ‘offer and needs market’. Buoyed up from the trip and crystal clear on the need to connect with others, I announced my offer and need as a desire to create a ‘mastermind’ group for support, accountability and brainstorming. Two people showed interest. This blog post is much thanks to that group .. since I committed to publishing a blog post at our last meeting. And so, with the big steps just shared and a number of baby steps in between, I am slowly getting more comfortable with putting my thoughts and ideas into the world.
What do I have to offer?
For years I have pondered and puzzled, stressed over and felt quite defeated by the question of what I have to offer the world. What gift or offering I have that does not weaken or destroy me in the process .. that has meaning and value enough to sustain me, that allows me to stretch my mind and connect with others in a way that I feel makes a real difference, that allows me the solitude and space I need to feel strong .. and that allows me to be supported financially. My response to this, for the most part, has been a lifelong practice of minimising needs while working just enough to scrape by. But of course this response has serious limitations. And while the answer is yet to come .. this has been a year of climbing out of the hole I dug for myself .. of coming back into the world. And a big inspiration in this journey back into the world has come from my discovery of the Enneagram and the clarity and realisations that have come from my deep dive into this powerful and illuminating tool.
Cloudscape – a tool for transformation
For now, Cloudscape, is the tool I am using to make my difference in the world .. both in the journey toward its creation and by the piece when it is realised. On so many levels Cloudscape is about connection to others, connection to ourselves, connection to spirit, opening up to new possibilities, breaking out of ‘everyday life’, exploring and taking risks, and shifting our experience of the world.
Next steps
As I move toward making this vision a reality, my next steps include finishing the model and fine-tuning the design, obtaining official approval from Bellingen Shire Council, developing the Kickstarter campaign, promoting it far and wide, raising the funds, settling on a strategy for building it, bringing together a team to build it, building it and then .. releasing it.
I feel like I could write forever. But I don’t need to cover everything in a single post .. so I will stop for now. But never fear .. you will hear from me again shortly .. and having now declared it to the world .. I will continue toward the realisation of this long held dream .. of creating magical spaces for exploring and experiencing the world.
Your thoughts?
Has anything I’ve said resonated? Please comment below.
With gratitude,
Charmaine
About this blog
Your spirits is here to evolve.
I help creative entrepreneurs (and curious explorers) who feel stuck, confused or disconnected, to find clarity, take action, and fall in love with life.
Your presence is needed. Your voice is important. Things will get better.
With a journey through the Enneagram and a project you want to complete you will start to see your blocks, break through and into action, enjoy the satisfaction and learn the lessons that project taught you.
Your learnings then take you through into your next project.
About me
Orly Grace
Writer, Sculptor, Guide.
I share lessons from my quest to find clarity and meaning in life.
I use the Enneagram as a system of divine transformation that shows you your lessons and helps you to see your aligned path forward.
Choose your project to get started. You can do my free QUIZ.
