The Witness
I wrote the following poem at the start of this year .. a stream of consciousness exploration. After randomly clicking on it I decided to read it to my writing group, intending first to tidy it. As it happened I couldn’t bring myself to even look at it before our meeting, and jumped into the vulnerable sharing of it in its imperfection and despite the fact that one of our group members features in the poem.
Acting despite my fears, walking into the fire so to speak, is something I’m finding is liberating and expansive and it is how I am currently approaching life. My desire is to continue to bust through my fears and expand in my experience of life. And with that said, here is my poem.
12 January
Eight years since Ian died
Waking up to strange dreams
A group of us in Bellingen
The ‘rescuers’ taking over
Mum driving my car too fast and off the road
Kathy taking charge of dinner plans
I got quite annoyed with the game last night.
Apparently we’re playing tonight
But I didn’t agree to that
And Vanessa agreed to the opposite
She specifically said ‘one night only’
And I’m with that
Drinking and playing card games
If fun for some
Let them have their fun
Even though they will think the more the merrier
This ‘rescuer’ dynamic is toxic
Or at least unpleasant
It creates a victim
Fuck that
Bloody James Bond
Got me angry the other night
And dreaming of snakes
He’s a snake.
I’m losing interest in Peter more and more
Which is quite a release
I meant to say relief
But it is a letting go
It is a relief
It’s the pattern I grew up in
Learning to give up my power
In exchange for being rescued
This victim creation .. the helpless, hopeless, confused,
Defenceless, surrendered creature
Was the result
Reliant on my captor for help and support
Until I broke free on my own
But I still couldn’t function
In ‘normal’ circumstances
I’m seeing it more and more clearly
And still, she tries to win me over
To buy her way into my affections
To be needed and for me to need her
But I’m getting stronger
The rescuers can take their big capacity
They can take their desire to jump in
They can take their bullying tactics
Disguised as love
But the love is not love
It’s an unconscious pattern
A desire to receive love
I will only disappoint a rescuer
When I reject his desire to help
Because it puts me down
And assumes I can’t do it myself
So what do I do
To meet someone I desire
Without the pattern being activated.
It wasn’t activated with Ian
Perhaps we were both victims
Who had turned into loners
Rejecting the desires of others
To take control and be our hero.
Instead we became each others hero
With neither the victim
And neither the judge
And both accepting of both the other
And the self
We did it. It worked.
We slipped out of that dynamic.
But I fell into the hole with Peter
For way too many years,
Prepared to give up everything
To be his slave and disciple
In return for love.
I made it back to me
Back to Goddess
To Earth Mother.
Which is where I am now.,
Yes, I’m back to the Goddess
This is where I needed to be
Not wanting rescuing
From a snaky spy
Or a capacious and distracted
Uncommitted and unfaithful
Self centred and rejecting
Lover
For that is no lover at all
I would have been miserable
It took me so long to see it.
But it’s getting clearer.
And I now see the guilt
And where it comes from
For all I gave to you
Feeling obliged and dutiful
To my rescuer
Feeling resentful and rejecting
Of my captor
For where is the love
When we become a possession
Where is the love
When we aren’t truly free
Yet she’s done so well
She insists that she loves me
Even when I’m not the obedient servant
Even when I free myself
Does she understand what I write
Does she reflect
Does she have regrets
She was acting on autopilot
She believed she was doing good
Just as I did also when
I let Joey make decisions
That were not his to make
Turned him into my rescuer
And my judge
Can I make amends
Now as I step out of the victim role
And rewrite my life
Now as my life
Begins again.
And as for tonight
My final night in this house
Before a new life begins
I still have the decision
Do I perform my duty
Or do my own thing
The jury needs a voice
It needs an answer
Does Joey need me there?
Or can I tell him of my experience
That might be more an education
I’ll write out the two lists
And get clear on my answer.
Do I dare
Disturb the Universe.
Rescuers be damned
We’re all in this together
And now I’ve written
And gotten some clarity
And I’m feeling a bit better
And my poem is very long.
Time to finish my email
And send it out
Onwards and upwards
I join the Goddess
And save first my own life
And then the world.
Amen.
Save first my own life
For I had given it up
It was no longer mine
It’s time to take it back
To not allow the ‘boss’ to feel
He is doing me a service
For this is my life
And I rescue myself
I’m obliged to no-one.
The judges can judge.
It step out of the triangle
And become the witness.