Choosing a word that acts as your guide is a fundamental part of Circles of Life rings. To help people choose their word I created a Word Guide for people to download.
I recently discovered a book, ‘One Word that will change your life’, which elaborates on the power and value of choosing One Word and offers a simple process of finding it.
This post outlines the ideas in this book, including the three step process to finding your One Word.
The secret to life change
Written by three friends, Dan Britton, Jon Gordon and Jimmy Page, ‘One Word that will change your life’ gives examples of the power of choosing and living by a single word. The book claims “it will help you become the person you were born to be”.
The book mostly promotes a practice of choosing a new word at the beginning of each year and living into that word over the year. “By living a single word that is meant for you, you’ll find renewed purpose and meaning through the year and achieve laser like focus and power for your life”. Having a One Word vision or theme is described as “the secret to life change”.
Choosing a word at the start of each year is contrasted to the less successful practice of setting new year’s resolutions. The difference with choosing a word is that we are setting a ‘to-be goal’, what we want to become, as opposed to setting ‘to-do goals’, which are about what we want to accomplish. Part of the power of One Word is its clarity and simplicity. Each of the authors tells stories of how powerful the One Word concept has been in their own lives and the lives of those around them.
Three steps to One Word
The One Word process involves three steps: 1. Prepare your heart 2. Discover your word 3. Live your word. Following is a detailed explanation of each of these steps.
Step One: Prepare your heart (look in)
This is a process of taking the time and space to look inside. It means taking time out of our busy lives to be still and open our heart. As the authors point out, this does NOT have to only happen at the start of the year. They recommend going through this process whenever you are ready, and to simply choose another word at the start of the next year. I would suggest that your One Word can in fact span a longer time than one year, although I understand the clarity inherent in choosing a fresh word for each year, as well as the opportunity to check in with your life to see how things are going and what needs attention. As part of preparing your heart and looking in the authors suggest following two simple steps: (1) Unplug, and (2) Ask.
Taking the time to unplug and find some solitude may be challenging, but it is extremely important. The book quotes: “A word with power is a word that comes out of silence”.
The next step for preparing your heart, while unplugged, is to ask the following questions:
- What do I need? (what areas of your life need the most change and why?)
- What’s in my way? (What is preventing me from having what I need?)
- What needs to go?
In asking the first question, “What do I need?”, it is helpful to contemplate on which of the areas of your life need the most change, and why. This can help to highlight which aspects of your life need attention and I found that this part of the process was really helpful for me. Reflecting on the six areas of life; spiritual, physical, mental, relational, emotional, and financial, can help to reveal areas that need attention and start the process of coming up with some possible words.
The second question, ‘What’s in my way?’, involves looking for obstacles preventing your growth. Asking the question “What is preventing me from having what I need?” is suggested as a way to reveal what we feel is stopping us. This was a powerful question for me as ‘self expression’ came up as a big issue for me and the word I finally came up with was ‘EXPRESS’.
The third question, ‘What needs to go?’, can help to highlight things that we need to let go of in order to move forward.
Asking these three questions, with an open and inquiring heart, helps to create the conditions for your word to appear.
Step Two: Discover your word (look up)
The authors describe this part of the One Word process as where you receive your word – “After preparing your heart, all you have to do is plug in and listen up. Then God will reveal your word to you.”
I am a spiritual person, but after a childhood filled with fear from a fire and brimstone God, along with a fiercely independent personality, I tend to shy away from organised religion. However, I appreciate the essence of this step, which involves letting go and opening up to receiving. This ‘plugging in’ process is specifically referred to as making time for prayer. It is suggested that ‘during your prayers, ask God to take control’, and to ‘ask God to reveal the word that is meant for you’, asking “What do you want to do in me and through me?”.
Each person will have their own way of asking for their word. The power of this step is that it takes it away from being a mental process, and opens up the opportunity for inspiration to guide you. Having asked, the next step is to listen. Your word may be revealed to you in a number of ways such as while reading, in a dream, in prayer or during daily activities.
Step Three: Live your word (look out)
This final step where you live your word, which often involves stepping out of your comfort zone. As the book explains, the yearlong process of living your word may start with obvious areas that could be improved, with more difficult areas of life change coming later.
Staying focused on your word throughout the year is very important and there are many ways of doing this. Posting your word in prominent places is recommended. Circles of Life rings are an ideal way to see your word every day. Having your word on display in your home or as a screensaver on your computer or phone are other ideas. Recording weekly insights and lessons about your word into a journal is another suggestion. Other suggestions include finding sayings, quotes or a song that relate to your word, having weekly discussions about your word or writing a poem or a prayer. The book also recommends sharing your word with a ‘Stretch Team’ – close people who you trust and who will stretch you and help you to grow and help to keep you accountable. The two main points, therefore, for achieving growth with your word are to “post your word prominently and share it with others”.
Share the Power
The book ends with a rally cry to share this One Word concept with others as a group activity, giving many examples of where this has been done successfully with families, schools, businesses, workplaces, sports teams, and organisations.
My One Word
In going through this process, the word I came up with was EXPRESS. Expressing myself, especially verbally, is something I have not had a lot of practice at in my lifetime. And the truth of how your word can have you step out of your comfort zone and open up difficult areas of life change is very front and centre right now after I spoke out of line last weekend and have been feeling the sadness and shame of my transgression ever since. There is no doubt that for me this is a word that I have a lot to learn from.
This book gives a very comprehensive account of the life-changing power of choosing a word to live by for each year. The process described in the book for finding your word is simple and powerful. It is a process of opening up your heart, asking and listening for the word you need, and then opening up to the lessons that your word brings over the course of the year. It is ultimately a process of clarity, alignment, stretching and growth.
I would love to hear your word if you have one, and anything else you’d like to share.
‘One Word that will change your life’ on Amazon
One Word website
This rambling story begins with some musing on boundaries, specifically between public and private, and onto my journey, and some current thoughts, to a little stab at storytelling with the telling of a memory, to this moment and where I am at in my life. And perhaps I am describing a circle, or circles within circles, because each realisation I have had is like the closing of a circle. My life has been a journey of wondering, searching and answering in endless circles.
public vs private
I’ve always been a very private person. I’ve tended to protect my boundaries like a spy infiltrating a danger zone. When I was growing up I felt my private became public too easily, and so I went into shutdown, hiding out, laying low. That has been my comfort zone for such a long time. And that’s the comfort zone I am currently challenging by opening up and sharing. words | circles | life represents the journey, the circle of life, described in words, telling a story. The irony is that I have never been a good storyteller. I’ve marvelled at people who could with a sense of dismay at their handling of the truth.
And telling stories, and my own truth, were intertwined with my obsession with privacy and need to cut off from people, which came about from a deep sense of disconnection. I turned inward and away from people and learned to live a life of extreme self sufficiency, isolation and emotional disconnection.
Right now, while things are quiet and mostly noone is watching, I am going to be brave and start to tell some stories. I plan to improve as I go. Because stories can be fun. And I can tell my stories while reading other’s stories. And I can release some of my closed off, private self into the public realm and take my place in the arena.
Expression is my simple breakthrough life change experience. All I need to do is to do it. So simple and yet so difficult. I need to stop worrying about what others think or even what I think. In fact, I am my own worst critic. In telling my truth, maybe I can tell someone else’s too.
Seeking to understand life has been my lifelong quest. And my search has taken me on some amazing journeys. And though I feel like I am running late, I am right where I need to be and with perfect timing.
I am going to do some random ramblings while I work out what it is I really want to say. And I am going to get more comfortable with speaking in public.
My extreme sense of disconnection at an early age turned into a longing for disconnection. My bliss was total aloneness. My desire to be alone had me live a simple life of self sufficiency, enjoying the anonymity of large cities and opportunities for solo travel. It opened me up to lots of different experiences and perspectives. I refused to be bound to any person, place, thing or belief. I wanted to understand the world from every possible perspective. I was open to all views and held few of my own. I embraced any opportunity for learning and was constantly in search of the meaning of life.
I am trying to zero down on a story. The place that keeps jumping into my mind is this small town in Japan called Iga Ueno. I lived there for about seven months in 1997 & 98. It was an intense and isolating experience for a number of reasons, but it also helped to break me open and shift me into a new experience of life.
Okay .. here goes .. I will tell a memory which popped into my head the other night, of one particular experience I had in that small town.
Here is the memory. I am walking on this slightly main road in this small town, to get some food. My body is covered in bruises and I am wearing a singlet. I feel defiant in exposing my bruises. This was perhaps the beginning of the end of karate for me. I had just been to a spring camp with my karate club. The style was called GishinRyu, a small full contact karate school I had found that fit into my schedule of teaching English classes afternoons and nights. The dojo was on the edge of town looking out over farmland and I could ride there by bike. I had been having private daytime classes with the teacher and founder of the club in exchange for English lessons. We forged a sort of friendship and meeting him late at night to drink and chat at a local bar became a favourite pastime.
On this day my friendship with my teacher had gone through a rocky patch, partly due to my decision to do less drinking. My life had started down a new trajectory. I had quit my job, moved in with a new friend, and been on my first Vipassana meditation retreat. My hair was cut very short and I must have felt a bit monk-like.
And in a highly sensitised, post-meditation retreat, super introverted state I had gone away on this karate spring camp. I was an extreme outsider. And the training was brutal. I was pummelled. I felt so overwhelmed and defeated I was in tears – and tears did not come easily to me. I returned from the camp covered in bruises.
And on this warm spring afternoon I walked out into this still very foreign town, which I would soon be leaving, wearing the bruises like battle scars with a sense of defiance, a “this is me, deal with it” attitude. I felt quite bold and liberated.
That was before a big life shift. Before I moved to Tokyo and then back to my hometown of Sydney which I had left for dead both five and nine years earlier.
As feared I got stuck in Sydney and stayed for thirteen years, at least nine years longer than planned. But in that time I found aikido, found a partner, finished my architecture degree, made new friends, had lots of adventures, had a baby, sold a business and explored, designed and created.
And I finally moved to a fairytale hamlet six hours north of Sydney, surrounded by nature and culture and an alternative way of life. In this paradise I have finally started to settle down and to let go of my excess baggage.
writing into the light
And now I am writing into the light. In speaking up I am starting to shine my light and be a beacon for others.
And as I write I can step into that singlet wearing battle scarred memory from twenty years ago and remember the “this is me, deal with it” feeling of bold self assertion.
So here I am. Sitting by a blow heater, indulgently using electricity rather than setting up the fire, which would involve collecting wood in the dark. Now I’ve switched it off. I just do it in short bursts. It is winter solstice and tomorrow night I am going to a community bonfire and lantern parade 20km out of my local town at a community hall and fire shed. I truly live in paradise and I am very grateful. I have a sense of having finally landed. I can start to tell my stories and run my business from home, sending inspirational rings all over the world and working towards creating massive public sculptures. My house is filled with inspiration and I am taking focused action in my life.
I need to treat this writing more like breathing .. not holding my breath for too long (as is my wont) but releasing in order to keep the fire alight.
Breathing is so important. Breath is the spirit of life, the essence of life. Being ‘inspired’ is really just about living and breathing. So I hereby release my concerns about my naive expression, since I know I don’t know everything and I don’t pretend to. And I continue to be open to listening to other points of view, but here I am offering my own quirky perspectives, explorations and takes on life.
‘breathe’ and ‘release’ were my words for 2016 and 2017. ‘INSPIRED’ and ‘EXPRESS’ are my words for 2018.
I’d love to hear your thoughts so please write or comment. And sign up to stay connected.
Get connected. Shift your focus. Keep it simple.
words | circles | life is my new business.
Today, June 14, 2018 is my official start date onto the New Enterprise Incentive Scheme (NEIS), a government support scheme which provides mentoring and financial incentives to people starting new small businesses in Australia.
My business mission with my first product, Circles of Life rings, is to inspire people towards a clearer vision for life.
I have recently put together a detailed business plan for this new business including two years of financial tables, market research, online research, a marketing plan, an action plan for the first year, a weekly work schedule, and all legal requirements. This process alone has brought a huge amount of clarity and hope in terms of helping me to see how I can really make this dream a reality – the dream being of me working for myself on projects that I’m inspired by.
I am excited about words | circles | life because it brings together everything I’ve been looking at and gives me one place where things come together.
words | circles | life is my space for being creative and making connections. It is a place to put my otherwise unspoken and avoidant voice out into the world – a voice for a silent minority, offering new perspectives on life. This is my playground for exploring, surrendering and finding peace, clarity and joy.
As I am still in the process of gathering market research I would LOVE it if you could fill in my Online Survey (please click here) (takes less than 10 minutes).
What are Circles of Life rings ?
Circles of Life rings are stainless steel bands stamped with words of inspiration that act as guides for clarity and support. They are a simple, elegant and meaningful gift to yourself or someone else.
Circles of Life rings come in six sizes with the option to stamp any word with up to 14 characters including spaces. The rings can be purchased online and include free postage worldwide.
These rings appeal through their simplicity, ease and playfulness, and suit both males and females.
How did Circles of Life rings come about ?
The idea for the Circles of Life started in 2006 when I was given an offcut of aluminium tube, filed and engraved with Vortex 2006. I wore it as a pendant and called it a Circle of Life. It was created during the construction of a sculpture piece, Vortex, which I designed and created, and then erected on Tamarama beach in Sydney, November 2006. 2006 was a very special time in my life with the creation of the Vortex and birth of my son with my then partner, Ian. I offered to make similar pendants for friends but kept running into different challenges and ‘Circles of Life’ stayed on my to do list for many years.
In 2016 I returned to the idea and started looking at alternatives. I realised aluminium wasn’t an ideal metal and decided to go for stainless steel. I found some stainless steel rings that I loved and purchased a ring stamper and started to make some rings. They turned out really well and friends loved them. I worked out a range of six sizes to fit most people and designed the packaging. I designed and printed temporary tattoos as part of the packaging.
A platform for inspired expression
words | circles | life is my platform for sharing my ideas and my truth, and for making a difference in the world. It brings opportunities for learning, inspiration, connecting with others, and supporting myself and those around me. I intend to expand and share my writing, design, and all types of creation.
How you do one thing is how you do everything.
So .. I’ve been writing this post for a LONG time .. almost a year. I’ve written many posts but not finished or published them .. lost in the bubble of confusion that has dominated my whole life.
This is the post where I start to turn my old pattern of overthinking and hesitation around.
This blog started as my ‘vehicle for clarity’ – my space for practicing getting my thoughts clear, and sharing them with the world – two challenges I had struggled with my whole life. It was my space for feeling a sense of my life evolving. But in an attempt to really shift my old ways and turn things around, I spent the past year ’embracing the thrash’, diving deep into the chaos and confusion of my mind and feelings, with the hope and trust that I will come out the other end with more clarity and confidence. Plus life threw me a few curve balls that challenged deep fears around losing myself as I got sucked into other people’s chaos and went into overwhelm and avoidance as a result. But finally I’m showing up here, messily and imperfectly, boldly determined to turn my life around.
One of my huge challenges around writing is that I want to work out what I think and what I want to say before saying something. But it is by saying something, even the ‘wrong’ thing, that I can get clarity on what I think. When I don’t speak up, I get stuck in an oppressive overwhelm of thoughts, which then stops me from speaking up. So I need to let go of the fear of saying something stupid, and just say something.
But before I get too hard on myself around my NOT speaking up, I will acknowledge that my not showing up here this year has felt like an act of self protection and of ‘buying time’ to get my thoughts straight. I’ve spent a lot of the past year reading (especially psychology literature), doing courses (business, writing, enneagram etc), working in a completely new industry (as a carer in an aged care home), and preparing for my ‘new life’. I’ve been making dogged progress on my business (but stuck around the publicity and money aspects) and am more determined than ever to finally make it work.
Life path – clarity and completion ..
I started this year with a ‘space clearing ceremony’ in my house. I had been waiting to do this for YEARS – but never felt ready as there was always something to do first. Finally, after much clearing and despite still having a massive excess of clutter, the house was ‘clear enough’ for this massive milestone to be achieved.
Action is the antidote to despair.
Prior to doing the space clearing I did a feng shui analysis of my house and came up with affirmations for each of the 9 parts of my house / areas of life. I could write a whole blog post on that process and those affirmations, but I will share one area of the house I intend to focus on this year. The ‘lobby’ is a space in my house that is a transition zone between the main part of the house and the bathroom. This space also contains the laundry and stairs leading down a workshop space. South facing (in the southern hemisphere) this space represents career and life path. It has been in a state of incompletion for years, often filled with overflowing clutter, not to mentioned dust, spiders webs and mould. But the space is now clear and a good clean and a few coats of paint will mean this space can be completed without a huge amount of outlay. Given that my career and life path are what need attention in order for me to feel clarity and purpose in my life, this space is on my agenda for this year. The affirmation I have created for this space is
“I move forward with ease and joy, fulfilling my purpose”.
Transforming how I relate to people
A very old pattern that has had a huge impact in terms of hindering progress on my business and life has been my tendency toward extreme self-sufficiency. This has been a strategy for avoiding people which is a pattern I developed as a form of Self protection in early childhood. Taking almost endless solitary time to contemplate and understand things is what I’ve seen as my blissful state, and relating with people has tended to stir up my anxieties and interrupted my sense of peace, and so I have tended to avoid social interactions. But I am finally challenging many of my limiting beliefs and seeing the origin of some of my unhealthy patterns of avoidance. I’ve come to see my avoidance of people has come from the desire to escape the pain of disconnection, as well as from an over-developed sense of obligation which had me feeling trapped, and from feelings of hyper vigilance which are very exhausting. I have also tended to lose my sense of Self, getting caught up in tuning into and trying to understand other people’s feelings and thoughts while losing touch with my own. The feeling of being lost, of desperately trying to understand what is perhaps beyond understanding, of hesitation, wonder, and never-ending exploration has been part of what has driven me into action, but also has had me going round in circles, lost and despairing, taking forever to do anything.
But, as I write, I am moving toward a resting place where I can release this incessant search and settle with exactly what is. I am in the process of changing my experience of being with people to one that invites the joy of connection and the freedom of self expression while being grounded in my own being.
My (first) word for the year took a while to emerge. Immersed in the creation of a book – ‘Your Word Guide’, I was searching for a word that could inspire and support me as I move through this year. I was thinking of the word ‘inspire’ – but it felt like something I had to do and for that reason did not feel right. INSPIRED feels more like a state of being. It reminds me to breathe, be present, and take action without thinking. It brings me into contact with my heart and body, after a lifetime of holding my breath and holding back. INSPIRED can feel as simple and being present, or as lofty as being supported by a divine spirit force.
I come up with too many ideas to execute and get caught in the overwhelm of so many things I need to do to push ahead the projects in my life. These projects, typically, have been so many and varied that they occupy every spare bit of time that I have. Since they have been my primary focus they have also negated the need or desire for any sort of a social life. So perhaps having innumerable projects on the go has been one of my strategies for avoiding people – not to mention endless exploring and never finishing anything.
The creation and setting up of my business, Artistry in Play, is one of my major projects begun about five years ago. I created this business as a way of supporting myself financially while making self directed projects my living, rather than cramming them into the limited free time when I’m not working for other people.
The random idea, which preceded the train of thought which follows, was this: To select random entries from my 29 years of journals and find stories and lessons and patterns and examples of transformation. But the truth is that I already have way too many projects on the go and I need to be eliminating, or putting on ice, many of my current projects in order to FOCUS (my second word for the year).
My lifetime obsession with projects includes an obsession with studying, learning and doing courses. I have tended to not only have multiple projects on the go at any one time, but also multiple courses. There has probably never been a time when I wasn’t studying something. Curiosity is both my strength and my weakness. It makes life interesting, but has lead to a state of mental clutter, lack of focus, and overwhelm. And perhaps this brings me to the WHY of my life – I am on a mission to understand life and the world. The feeling of learning, getting clarity, and evolving is my form of bliss and the thing that drives me forward.
My latest ‘course’ was a 5 day challenge around story writing with a fun and sassy entrepreneur, Jamie Jensen of Your Hot Copy. Jamie runs a course called Story School (which I want to do), and her 5 day ‘Get Your Story Straight’ challenge was an introduction to the story arc which broke stories, or the ‘hero’s journey’, down into five parts:
The DESIRE, The CHALLENGE, The TWIST, The SHIFT, and The TAKEAWAY.
Telling stories, or really expressing myself in any way, has always been a weakness. Instead of helping the listener understand something, I tend to leave them (and myself) more confused by losing track of where I’m going and branching off on random tangents. So the story structure is something that really inspires and fascinates me and feels important for me to study in order for me to find clarity and share whatever I have to say. I have plenty of stories to tell but have always tended to leave storytelling to those who do it better than me. But given that my dream is to be a writer, and one of the things I most love doing is writing, I intend to start developing my storytelling skills through this blog.
My desire has been to experience clarity .. or as stated above, to understand life and the world. My approach zhas been to be constantly learning, studying and researching.
In my process of seeking clarity, through constant study and exploration, and lifetime of courses and projects, I have continued to find more and more that I don’t know. After 47 or so years of this I amassed thousands of books, hundreds of courses, and still found myself in the familiar space of confusion and overwhelm, with books and materials (for and from all my projects) adding to my overwhelm. On top of this, as an extra solution to overwhelm, I had developed a tendency to avoid people (who I felt added to my overwhelm), and ran ideas around in my head in maddening unproductive circles. Trying to do everything on my own was my worn out blueprint that was stopping me from getting the help I needed. I had attempted a complete avoidance and rejection of ‘society’ and of conforming in any way. This included money – which to me represented a hook or a trap of society. I was almost prepared to starve rather than be drawn into the servitude that money represented. Sectioning myself off from the world, keeping as much distance as possible from people, and minimising emotional involvement became my strategy for managing my energy which was overly affected by my experience of people as demanding more of me than I had in me to give. Perhaps I was a ‘highly sensitive person’ – though I actually felt like I was quite tough. In avoiding the impact of people I was able to do lots of ‘tough’ things – like solo adventures of all types all over the world, and martial arts to protect myself, and braving the world on my own. But though I had done all sorts of brave things like backpacking into the wilderness, or motorbiking around Australia, or wandering around cities all over the world late at night, or sleeping in parks and train stations, and on and on – the thing I wasn’t brave enough to do was to risk emotional vulnerability. In fact, I had suppressed my feelings to such an extent I hardly even realised I had any. My solo adventures were like an armour against emotional vulnerability and I was a master at hiding out and disappearing. But I have come to see that my hugest fear has been around self expression. My avoidance meant I did not have to take a stand on anything, or to risk making a fool of myself or being misunderstood. By not showing up I could avoid being captured and trapped. I could feel free .. but at what cost.
My childhood blueprint had me feel like I would drown if I didn’t protect myself from the insatiable needs of others. So I desire to be wild and free and unencumbered by the demands and expectations of society. I wanted to be free to be myself rather than what someone else told me I should be. I would work just enough to survive in order to spend the rest of the time doing what I wanted – which was generally a course or project of my choosing.
After getting trapped in a job for eleven years that started with lots of freedom and ended by becoming almost my full responsibility (after I partnered with the boss and he became too sick to work), and with lots of stress and little reward, I vowed to start my own business, to work from home, for myself, doing work that inspired me.
It has been over five years since I started Artistry in Play – embarked on as a major life project for using my skills, aligned with my values, and part of finding a sense of purpose in my life. At first I was in my element – starting something fresh, on a steep learning curve, journeying to understand myself and my purpose more clearly. I had embarked on another journey of exploring many new ideas, and escaping on yet another solo adventure. But there was a problem .. I didn’t seem to be moving forward productively in terms of this being a business, because I was still in avoidance of the two things that business is centred around – people and money.
The twist was the realisation that my avoidance of people and trying to live inside my head was what was stopping me from moving forward. This realisation came, most particularly, thanks to my discovery of the Enneagram, which shined a light on the patterns holding me back. It showed me that I had to stop thinking and move into action (obvious I know but not so easy to do). It is over three years since that clarity helped me to see another way, and the journey since has been far from straightforward.
My shift, in response to my realisation that I was completely stuck in a rut of overthinking and inaction, was taking action in different ways. Writing this blog has been a huge part in my journey forward .. of practicing expressing my thoughts in a public space and getting more comfortable with the vulnerability of that – and of putting thoughts out that are messy and incomplete, rather than waiting until I have everything figured out before doing or saying anything. Also proposing a large piece for Sculpture by the Sea which I’ve had accepted by two separate panels for the 2017 exhibition – but which I am still yet to create (since it is a massive undertaking). And thirdly in setting up a mastermind group to help me to speak up and share my plans and get support and accountability.
My message, at this moment, to bring this story full circle, is this:
Words can set you free (Words create our world)
The DESIRE – To experience clarity
The CHALLENGE – I felt the only way I could experience clarity was being on my own and trying to work out my thoughts alone
The TWIST – realising that my avoidance of people and running ideas around and around in my head in the search for clarity was in fact the thing that was holding me back.
THE SHIFT – I started to share my thoughts. I completed applications to share my work (and had some accepted). I created a mastermind group. I started to open up more. I started taking action out in the world.
The TAKEAWAY – Words create our world, words can set us free, the journey continues…
Reminders to self
Keep on writing and publishing rather than getting stuck in the thinking process
Stop worrying about what (I think) other people think
Stay in contact with people
Connect to my feelings and allow them to guide me
Ask for feedback
Keep moving forward
This blog post, in which I’ve tried to unravel my year of not writing, to explore my journey with Artistry in Play, and to explain my experience of the world – probably shows pretty well how I over-complicate things and shows the messiness of my mind. It also shows how reluctant I am to throw away / dismiss anything which is a big part of my challenge in my quest for clarity.
I am including these endnotes with the intention that this post can mark the line in the sand between my cluttered thinking and a more clear, ordered and streamlined way of expressing myself (which is the goal of the story structure after all).
The MAGICAL GUIDE
The hero’s journey often refers to a guide or mentor which shows the way. This would have to be the Enneagram. As I learnt about the Enneagram I felt like I had finally discovered the meaning of life. The Enneagram is a model or structure that explains why people react, relate and experience the world as they do. The Enneagram helped me to understand and shift the way I understood and experienced the world in quite a mind-blowing way (a very type 5 response perhaps). It showed me the framework I had been using to understand the world and showed me how what I felt was a very open-minded approach was in fact a cage. It also showed me the keys for getting out of my cage.
Stuck in Point 5
I spent a lot of time in my cage over the past year, retreating to my comfort zone by keeping to myself as much as possible. Reaching out and supporting people is something I have tended to see as my duty and I have been wracked with a lot of guilt over not doing so – although since I started work as a carer in a nursing home I think I felt like this in itself took so much from me that I had little left to give. I have preserved the little time when I wasn’t working or managing the household to dealing with my overwhelm of projects and stuff – and in particularly with preparing the public launch of my Circles of Life rings project which I have seen as the contribution I want to make to both help others AND myself.
Stepping into Point 3
Part of the new framework that I’ve been preparing to step into is of being visible, expressing myself, shining my light and claiming my value. My retreating over the past year has been my fear reaction to this transformation, and my desire for more time and more clarity BEFORE I fully step into this more expressive, open and in action way of being. In a typical stalling tactic, I have been (and still am) in the process of clarifying my purpose, my message, my brand, my product and my vision. My mission is to help people to take responsibility for their lives and experience the freedom that this gives.
My nursing home work has helped me reenter the world, throwing me into the thick of life in many ways. Though it is the opposite to what I have been striving towards for so long – to work from home, for myself, doing work that inspires people to evolve – it is perhaps part of my own evolution, as I am working closely with people, in a very intimate way, doing what I can to help them, and making money in the process.
A closing declaration
I would like to declare, for my own sake, that from here on I will offer up real stories – not just the messy clutter of my mind – as a way of sharing in a more fun and inspirational way. If you have read this to the end, thank you for your time and I will aim to be more respectful of it from now on.
A transitional time
The past nine weeks have been a powerfully transitional time for me .. and partly thanks to the input of a number of books and different perspectives on life.
Though I’ve always been a big reader in terms of finding information on topics that interest me, I haven’t been a big reader of non-fiction, or even a big finisher of books. Instead I have tended to be constantly dabbling in piles of non-fiction, all in an effort to achieve greater clarity. My ‘type 5’ sense of “not enough” has meant I’ve never felt I had time to fit ‘reading for pleasure’ into my already overpacked agenda of projects and explorations. Also, I’ve tended to live in a state of overwhelm that had me seeking to limit input rather than add to it.
Then nine weeks ago, a friend lent me his Kindle. There was a book on it which I wanted to read, and he had been suggesting for ages that I get a Kindle to deal with my ‘book problem’ – which was the 3000+ books in my house that had been having a weighing down and smothering effect on me and had me living in a state of constant overwhelm. He was convinced I needed to clear away all the books and instead get them on Kindle.
A clear answer
Well, I read the first book with relish. And it turned out there were a number of books on the Kindle I wanted to read. So when I finished the first I found another to read. Then another. And another. And another. I have been in some sort of literary heaven with every book I’ve read profoundly moving and inspiring me. I have even felt my whole approach to life clarified, challenged and opened up in this dive into the world of literature. And I am reinspired to tell my own story, in my own way.
The book I most recently finished was ‘An Abbreviated Life’ by Ariel Leve, telling the story of her childhood and how it has impacted her. I heard a snippet of Ariel talking on Radio National in a broadcast from the Writer’s Festival in Bali. The topic, childhood trauma, is one I’m currently fascinated with. Ariel’s story expresses beautifully many thoughts and feelings I understand. At the end of the book Ariel writes: “We tell our stories to be heard. Sometimes those stories free us. Sometimes they free others. When they are not told, they free no one.” What a great call to action!
The book I read prior to Ariel’s, and in doing so lost myself in a day of relaxation and laughter, was Graeme Simsion’s ‘The Rosie Project’. I knew nothing about this book except that I’d seen it in a bookshop and been curious about it. As a Project Person myself I had so many chuckles of recognition and perhaps developed a greater softness for myself in the process. I don’t have Aspergers, but my lifetime experience of cutting off from emotions has meant that I have shared many of the attitudes, beliefs and lifestyle choices that the protagonist in the story, Don, displayed. The very rational, ‘head based’ outlook of Don, has served me well in my mostly solitary existence, but has caused meltdowns and a consequent lack of action when it comes to decision making and relating to people. I have been very cut off from intuition and have tended to escape into my head rather than experiencing the fullness of life. Interestingly, when I just started to reread the book, only ten days after finishing it, my experience was completely different. I felt like I was reading it from more of an outside perspective .. studying it rather than being absorbed in it. But still enjoying it.
Prior to ‘The Rosie Project’ I read a book that featured in the first ever blog on this website and so had been on my radar for over two years – ‘Chasing the Scream – The First and Last Days of the War on Drugs’ by Johann Hari. I originally heard about this book from an article by the same author in the Huffington post. This book was a total eye-opener and made clear to me a shift that is needed on our planet to bring things back into alignment. This shift is away from fear and towards love .. away from disconnection and towards connection .. away from despair and towards hope .. away from a downward spiral of destruction and towards an upward spiral of love, acceptance and peace. This shift requires the dismantling of the ‘war on drugs’ and the creation of avenues for healing. I feel like my mission has become much clearer.
It feels strange to be working backwards with these books I’ve been reading .. but perhaps that is part of the deconstruction. I saw the film based on the book ‘Wild’ by Cheryl Strayed, and enjoyed it but wasn’t overly amazed or impressed. But reading the book I experienced a totally different perspective. I enjoyed and resonated with the experiences and challenges of solo adventuring, but was also in awe at Cheryl’s openness and vulnerability with people. That has never been my strength. For me, going solo has really been taking the easy route. It has it’s challenges, but opening up to and relating to people isn’t one of them. I admired the vulnerability in sharing of details of her experience, and I noticed an awareness and awakening to the possibilities of connecting with people thanks to this book. My solitude has served me well, but it isn’t a state I want to get stuck in. Essentially, I felt like this book gave me insight into a different perspective on life and helped break down some rigid thinking that has had me stuck. I was also inspired, in reading this book, by the quality of storytelling, and the meaningful arc of the story .. evident in the title of the book ‘a journey from lost to found’. I am keen to dive into story structure in order to tell my own story in such a way that I can both create and discover clarity.
And finally, the book that started this whole journey, the one I borrowed the Kindle to read, ‘The Course of Love’ by Alain de Botton. I loved this book. In fact, I loved all these books. It’s like, after holding myself back from this ‘indulgence’, I fully indulged and discovered what I’d been missing out on. ‘The Course of Love’ is a love story and psychology guide combined. Since I’ve been quite obsessed with the study of psychology for some time, this book was like the gateway that led to me diving into the fiction and non-fiction that followed.
I guess I could go into a lot more depth in analysing my life according to these books .. but I will sum up to say that, through these five books, I have felt love, joy, connection, purpose, validation, clarity, inspiration and hope. And I’ve come to some appreciation of how I have deprived myself in my shut down and avoidant approach to some aspects of life.
I’m still in the transitional state .. but with a bigger picture of what is possible and a greater sense of clarity and purpose. What a huge blessing. And what’s more, in appreciating the value of reading these different perspectives, I feel much more inspired to add my own.
I feel like my life is on hold .. like I’m holding my breath until everything changes. This is a familiar feeling to me. I’ve spent years in this state. So I will explore it now while I live in this three week hiatus until my life begins anew. Right now three weeks feels like a long time .. but I’m present to the need to keep on taking small steps toward my bigger vision despite the state of overwhelm and drowning in uncertainty that I seem to be in.
Three weeks is when a large amount of stuff that represents the attachments and histories of other people will be moved out of my house. It represents a huge milestone in my transformation and in stepping into a life that is of my own choosing rather than one that adapts haphazardly to the paths of other people. It took a certain amount of insanity and a determination to look at what I was not dealing with to see the impact of my determined neglect of my needs. What that neglect afforded me was firstly, very little need to interact with others, which then became a need to NOT interact with others since I wasn’t good at lobbying for myself.
Turns out I do have needs .. and desires .. if I let myself be present to them. Seems even like they may be my ticket for my reentering the earthly realm .. the world I left behind a long time ago.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this writing. I guess I’m trying to understand why I do this to myself .. get myself into these spaces where I feel trapped and overwhelmed and feel a desperate need to flee to freedom. It’s an ‘all or nothing’ tendency that no doubt serves me in some ways and harms me in others. Bringing consciousness to it feels like a worthy thing. I guess, in a way, the ‘trappedness’ – of feeling like I have to surrender to something bigger – allows me to let go and to focus on something else. It forms a cosy cocoon of sorts for exploration.
My biggest experience of feeling trapped was living in Sydney, when Joey was aged around two until five, and the business I worked for and effectively became a part of, The Plan Shop, had become my agonising cage that kept me trapped in Sydney, in poverty, in a job I didn’t enjoy and didn’t feel good at, with lots of stress and not much fun. It is from that experience that I am so present to the feeling of putting my life on hold right now .. “I’ll just hold my breath and it will all be better”. I know I don’t breathe enough. I need to start breathing more.
To be honest, and somewhat vulnerable, a big part of why I feel like my life is on hold with this stuff is because I have a belief that ‘I won’t be able to meet my new man’ until this stuff is gone. And right now I’m tired of waiting.
I am almost swooning at the thought of the space that will be opened up .. which I expect to feel as a rush and surge of energy and inspiration, and an opening for love and light to get in.
With three weeks until the big transformation, things are progressing apace. My website is finally in safe harbour where it won’t suddenly die and leave me abandoned like happened recently. I am tidying up various bits of technology. I’m about to get some help with my website (so exciting!), I’m progressing with my big house decluttering (in fits and starts), the rings vision is moving closer to becoming real, my path is opening up and becoming clearer .. and life is evolving. I feel like I’m starting to reach dry land after so many years of floating, and right now my feet are just starting to touch the bottom.
I’ll post this now and maybe add to it later. I do have plans to create more generally inspiring posts, rather than me just sharing my journey and madness with the world .. but this is all part of the journey.
I have just come across a concept that explains my life’s journey so clearly that I am looking at the world from a new light.
The soul personality describes ‘roles’ that our soul has come to earth to express. This concept has transformed the way some close family are seeing a particularly difficult situation. My sister in law has come to see that she is a Warrior and my sister is an Artisan. They have been in a state of war that has led to a lot of pain and damage. I am a Scholar. This feels so clear. It’s simply who I am. I know I’m going to want to dive deep down this new rabbit hole, considering the clarity that it gives of what each person’s offering is.
In essence, there are 7 roles our souls take:
Priest, Artisan, Sage, Server, Scholar, King, Warrior
My role is: Scholar with an Artisan casting. Which also to me says Enneagram type 5 with a 4 wing. I love when things start to become clearer. I can see our soul role influences our journey through life.
How this concept has impacted me
The very current realisation that seeing my ‘role’ as a scholar has given me, is to explain why I have such a problem with teaching aikido (or anything for that matter). I’m challenged to form a single explanation for anything. And I’m obsessed with learning, so even a slightly different perspective can spin me out of the teacher role and back into that of the student. I am starting to see that for me to teach would involve choosing an avenue to explore and making that my focus. So I feel a sort of validation for why aikido teaching is posing a stress for me, and also a new way of looking at training. Essentially, I need to treat the training as a journey of deeper exploration .. which I have been attempting .. except I’ve felt a bit in over my head.
The soul’s purpose concept also helps reinforce the journey I’m on, and my ideas to study things and then share creations with the world. As I do my massive house and life clear out, I am getting increasing clarity about what things light me up and how I want to live my life. I had allowed myself to get weighed down, for a lifetime till now, with other people’s clutter .. their expectation, needs, opinions, demands, stuff. And as I let all this go and bring myself back to the essence of who I am and what my simple needs and desires are, I am becoming more grounded in myself.
I am dashing off thoughts as they come to me, and hopeful that they don’t vanish into thin air like happened in my recent mega-data loss .. but I’m moving toward clarity and more ease in self expression. Stepping out of my befuddled creator brain and into the conscious structuring of time to break me out of my spacey state and into the world of reality.
I have so many ideas at the moment. I was going to start to list them as part of evaluation what to put my attentions on. Maybe tomorrow.
PS This website is great if you want to look deeper into soul essences: www.personalityspirituality.net
I’m recovering from what has felt like a pretty crazy time lately. As I release commitments and attachments I am starting to settle down to a clearer and simpler reality. Life is starting to settle down.
But there’s still a lot of work to do. It’s like I’m right at the beginning, but the way has become clearer. But what a relief that is.
I have been licking my wounds a bit after losing five blog posts that came from a flurry of inspiration and activity in January and February and were part of me reaching a state of clarity about my purpose and focus. And there were no saves of these posts so it has felt like a huge loss. Plus I lost the whole Circles of Life page I’d created and was finally at peace about. It was like I’d made all these steps .. and then bam .. back to square one .. like a rug was swept from under me and I was up in the air. And it put me in a rather disjointed state. But perhaps the good thing about getting disjointed is that things can come back together and realign in a fresh and more conscious way.
I’ve updated my About page but the Circles of Life page still taunts me. Maybe today.
So I will attempt a summary of what I was coming to with those final posts before everything came crashing down ..
Jan 25: A new adventure
Jan 26: Presenting the present as a present
Feb 02: A fresh start
Feb 15: Words of intention
Feb 17: Getting ready
Okay .. so .. I was clearing the path for this adventure which is simply my life, as I create it. It was the adventure of this fresh new year .. fresh with intentions. I made some vague commitment to creating and sharing with some accountability built in .. but that is now passe. I was contemplating my word for this year and explored a range of words before coming, in a very clear way, to the word Presence. I have been shifting my experience of the world for some time now, and it is perhaps now at tipping point. Many things are coming to a head at once. Clarity is arriving in all different ways. I explored the way that words, and intentions can impact our lives in a positive way. I need to explore that same topic again. I have a fear losing thoughts and not getting them back .. but I need to trust that I will find the words for saying what needs to be said.
So, I was ‘Getting ready’ on Feb 17 and it’s now three weeks on. I guess I’m back to before where I was at at that point in some ways. So I’m still ‘Getting ready’ .. but perhaps I’m ‘Getting closer’.
And talking about ‘getting closer’ .. this could allude to intimacy, which has been part of this blog journey .. because I am sharing my experience of life (some of it at least) with the world. And that is really the biggest breakthrough for me .. to do that and be with the vulnerability of it .. me who feels overly self conscious to even ‘like’ something on Facebook, let alone write comments.
Instagram has been another place I’ve forced myself to open up and that breakthrough is just as huge as this blog. Even moreso in a way since photos are very revealing.
I love how, through this website, I’m able to share myself and feel some control over what and how it is shared. The lack of control over how information is shared unnerves me with Facebook. Except the recent crashing of my site felt like a total loss of control. I even felt like I ‘lost myself’ – like I’d put myself out there, and got taken down and wiped out. It made me feel like maybe I should stick to solidity rather than data. But the answer now seems to be that I need to lick my wounds, recalibrate and then continue to grow. Perhaps evidence of weakness and crumbling of work is an opportunity to rebuild foundations with retrospective clarity.
Actually, right now I am writing this like I’m writing to a friend ,, or to myself maybe. Same difference. I’m being experimental right now so I’ll go with it. My main challenge is simply to stay in action and not get caught up in thinking about things ,,
I also want to write some poetry .. and to create some images .. and make some videos .. and make some music .. and it’s nice to have the consolidating foundation of this website to anchor it all. Except I don’t want it to all collapse again. I need to find out how I can protect myself against that happening. This website is essentially my base for exploration. Some things I plan to explore are:
– the journey and creation of Cloudscape
– organic concepts and creations
– sacred symbols
– ‘the journey’
In fact, what I’ve been clear about all along with this blog is that it’s intention hasn’t been to inspire people and land in their inbox each week. It has been solely a challenge to me to express myself in public, and to share my journey toward clarity. It has helped me to release fears around opening up and speaking up, and allowed me to feel clarity and groundedness. Moving forward .. if I’m to stretch myself that bit more, and turn up in people’s inboxes, with something inspirational or useful to say .. how would I do that?
Here are the thoughts that come to me off the bat:
I’d keep on writing these ‘sharing my truth’ posts .. writing as I would to a friend. But rather than have these posts turn up in people’s inboxes (too scary), I could send out emails exploring an inspirational piece of art, plus write either an opinion or research piece on a topic I’m exploring, and include links to what I’ve written on my blog and perhaps an occasional summary of where my current projects are at.
Art, Exploration, Progress.
My life is starting to align so nicely at the moment. I am creating my life around building a business that invites exploration and creation of public art and expression. And in alignment with that is exploration of sacred symbols, the journey, circles, aikido, spirit, life, building, creation, energy, psychology, art, meaning, movement, connection, transformation … and it’s all connected.
Though I’ve been turning a corner at speed for what feels like a long time, I am close to reaching the straight.
My life is a journey towards clarity .. which it seems came about through getting myself into a state of extreme confusion as a very young child .. which I believe came about due to the fact that ‘unpleasant’ emotions were not accepted in my family of origin and so I learned to cut off from them and in doing so cut myself off from the world making any sense at all. Because if there is light there must be shadow .. the world cannot be so one-sided. But out of my confusion I have been grasping at every thread I could lay my hands on that might offer some glimpse into understanding the world.
To be honest .. a part of me wants to just <control/alt/delete> and start fresh, in a new lifetime, rather than this one that has had me wind myself around in circles trying to understand what cannot be understood. And so I am in a process of unravelling so many confused thoughts, and of attempting to wake up to feelings that I have mostly cut off from for all this time. It is like waking the dead. I realise to come back to life and to live a meaningful existence means getting in touch with emotions and with the wholeness of life.
I guess this notion of unravelling feels all the more relevant right now because I am in a process of clarifying and consolidating my website and emails, and it is such a tangled mess it is doing my head in. And on top of that I am in a process of sorting through multiple lifetimes of accumulated stuff (i.e. mine and two others) in my house that means I am living in what feels like a hovel, constantly surrounded by piles of clutter that I have to climb over to move around and that is sucking my energy and enthusiasm big time.
Passing this computer over to my boy for a play so I will publish for now and come back and finish later…
Taken down by technology
Finally, a week after my website went down and I lost over two months of work, I’m taking action rather that getting lost in loss and overwhelm, and writing again. Writing helps me to get clarity .. and I felt like I was just starting to make headway when it was “two steps forward, three steps back”. I’ve been floundering because I’ve been wanting to write, but knowing that a new more updated version of my website might happen any day I’ve been holding out, waiting for that so I can ‘start where I left off’. But I’ve also been in a vulnerable space of having felt like I’d made real progress on my site and thoughts only to have them wiped out .. and so, I’ve felt embarrassed at the thought of anyone coming to this site and seeing what to me feels like ‘an old me’ but really .. I haven’t come that far. But it’s the limbo that has been the hardest .. of holding out, hoping, and feeling stopped from taking action right when I felt like I was on a roll.
I had been planning a ‘launch’ for my rings for this Friday .. but that page and some associated pages were all lost. So I’m back to square one. Still holding out in case a magic recovery is found, but really, just hanging out to start moving forward again. And hence I’m writing this post both to not be living in hope and to be taking action.
I’m in the middle of a massive clear out of my house .. both of other people’s stuff that has been weighing me down, as well as of my own stuff. And frankly, I’ve been stuck in overwhelm. But at least I’m on a path towards shifting that overwhelm. I have to acknowledge the sense of wasted energy and time that all this ‘stuff’ has had on me and continues to have while I wade through this mountain of clutter. But I’m clear that I have to move through to the other side so I can begin to really start to move forward with my life and my plans. And I should probably stop to contemplate how this sense of overwhelm has really held me back for such a long time. It is a sense of confusion I have carried with me since childhood and that has had me constantly searching and studying in an attempt to reach a point of clarity. The feeling it has on me is that of a deer stuck in headlights .. an inability to move due to a state of overwhelm and confusion about what actions to take. But I’ve been making great headway on gaining the clarity I’ve been seeking through taking action .. baby steps .. and mostly via this website. So I guess, after what felt like big breakthroughs in the past couple of months, the loss of all I had written was really quite shocking and unsettling to me. But of course .. it isn’t the end of the world. And while I hope to get those thoughts back, I can also just keep on moving on.
Stuck in hope
It’s been the hope that I may recover what I lost that has had me stopped .. stuck in limbo .. and full of ideas and thoughts I couldn’t express lest the website be recovered and then I lost what I’m writing now. But I will save these thoughts (trivial and pathetic as this post feels to me) and stay in action while I continue to live in hope.
One of my breakthroughs of late has been around my ‘psychological explorations’ and the discovery that I have ‘avoidant-dismissive attachment’. Having words that describe my feelings (and lack of feelings) is very validating. I’ve been on a path of reconnecting with the world and people for the past three years, after 43 years prior of attempting to do everything on my own and disconnect as much as possible. I’ve more to write on that but for now I am just getting my head clear and declaring where I’ve been at and moving beyond the stuck space I’ve been in.
I’m releasing this post, in rough and ready style, to start to move forward again. I’d made such big changes to my Circles of Life page that I’m hesitant to start again there until I know there is no hope of recovering what I lost. I’ll continue with my huge decluttering which is bringing up all sorts of fears .. but which once done will give me a new lease of life. And I’ll post this now just so I can keep on moving.
When I first heard the phrase “life is empty and meaningless” it actually gave me hope. It let me out of a lifelong bind where I was forever searching for the meaning of life. Yet despite that flash of clarity, I have continued my search. The number 42 has represented a sign of hope. By a stroke of irony on my 42nd birthday, my then old and sick partner had a high fever and delirium that meant on that wet and rainy day I had to call an ambulance, who had to call the local fire brigade for backup, and six men in muddy boots carried Ian past the birthday bunting and across the plank to the ambulance and then to hospital where the wonders of modern medicine saved his life for that day.
Yet even such clear messages have not diminished my quest to find meaning in life .. almost like the quest itself is what has given my life sense of purpose.
I saw the other day that I have posted 42 posts on this blog. Given my affinity for this number, I had to reflect on it’s significance, since this blog is really part of my quest for meaning. This is the answer I have come to in the past few years – life is about connection.
I’m sure I could circle around this topic endlessly. If I think of the times in life I have truly felt a sense of peace, it is those moments I have felt truly connected – be it to a person, to nature, to the divine or to myself. And in fact this blog is really about connection. My life has revolved very much around a desire to disconnect, particularly from people, which in my experience have caused mostly pain, confusion and loss of self. But as I’ve been diving into pushing myself into connection and have become present to feelings, mostly bad, but feelings all the same, and with those feelings a sense of being alive.
It was some good feelings that gave me hope, that made me feel alive. I was bolstered by a rare sense of hope. But then those hopes got dashed and the dreams I’d had became a hopeless wreckage. And so I’ve been rebuilding my ship, taking care not to get too lost in my head, to allow myself to feel more grounded, and to learn to be with the bad feelings and express myself rather than wasting my life away through escape.
In fact, I have been living my life as though there IS some meaning except I am yet to find it. I believe the bigger explanation to the statement that ‘life is empty and meaningless’ is that WE attach meaning to life. It just IS. And this very much relates to my overly cerebral way of experiencing and understanding the world. Thankfully, I have also pushed myself to be very physical in my life. I think it is my saving grace. Martial arts, which I’ve been drawn to out of my hyper vigilant need to protect myself on solo adventures, have allowed me to connect to myself and others. Swimming and cycling have been my main other forms of being in my body. Yet even as I think of these I realise that each give me scope to think at the same time. But a big lesson that aikido continues to bring me is that I need to ‘not think’ in order to act, since thinking slows me down and has me get stuck in confusion.
Perhaps the big lesson for me in this lifetime is around being rather than thinking.
‘I am therefore I am’.
No wonder I’ve made myself so confused .. trying to think my way to clarity when the answer is simply ‘to be’. And perhaps therein lies the challenge .. how to be.
My life has been a solo exploration. I believe my drive for solo exploration has come about through a combination of personality and life experience. The curiosity was always there. The feeling of being alone likely came from feeling misunderstood as a child. The sense of being lost and confused probably came from an overactive mind along with an invalidation of my feelings that had me unsure what I thought or felt about anything. My independence – most likely from both genes and early modelling. The outcome .. a lost, confused, constantly searching and exploring mind, embracing the lostness and aloneness as though it was something I desired, but leading me further and further into a state of complete hopelessness.
Finding my way
Feeling my feelings and expressing them to others (rather than cutting off from feelings and endlessly talking to myself) has been a path I’ve been walking that has also been like climbing out of a deep dark hole. It’s a rocky path, but I have a sense of hope. Deep down, or maybe closer to the surface, I know that I’m not alone .. and yet alone at the same time. That’s life.
On the spectrum of risk taking I lean very much toward carefulness. Generally, risks I’ve taken have been considered and calculated. I’ve pushed myself close to the edge many times .. even in life risking ways .. but I’m rarely impetuous.
So, in a moment of insanity last weekend I swung the pendulum the other way a bit when after looking at the stretch of mountain bike track before me, aptly labelled ‘rollercoaster 1’, having initially halted to declare “Joey, I can’t do this!”, followed by him saying “I’ll go”, and racing off down the rollercoaster and up the other side, I considered the likelihood that perhaps I could fly over all the bumps and simply focus on staying upright, took a breath, and dived down this crazy mountain bike track on my over 20 year old, unmaintained and non-mountain bike. In retrospect it was an accident waiting to happen and I half wonder if I didn’t do it on purpose at some level .. since my now very sore left shoulder that has put my left arm out of action has opened up the time I needed to focus on some things I’ve had to neglect with all that has been filling up my time lately .. and incidentally, mostly very physical stuff that requires the use of both arms. In some ways, the accident has been a godsend. I suspect I might have been hurt much more badly had I not had the body awareness and fitness I have, and the accident could have been much worse. So I feel quite grateful
So .. what point am I getting at?
I think I’m looking to see where I now stand on the subject of risk. I know I have spent my life being overly cautious and it has held me back from ‘life’ quite a lot. But I also think my carefulness has allowed me to do much riskier things by taking special care .. it has allowed me to go closer to the edge so to speak. And I have wondered at times whether I need that intense feeling of presence that comes from being close to the edge, as a way to simply feel.
But this past year or so of stepping outside of my comfort zone to where I don’t have that sense of control that comes from careful consideration has also brought me back to life and to the awareness of feelings and emotions – even if that means nursing a hurt shoulder.
Since I have a dream of creating large organic sculptural forms that people can move through or climb over and explore in all different sorts of ways, the issue of risk is very pertinent. I have a desire for people to be able to explore spaces in new ways, and to be able to experience challenge or adventure in their own way, to push boundaries .. but at the same time, there cannot be any seriously dangerous scenarios. I think some perceived danger, like views out from high places that don’t have threat of physical danger, is how I will intend it. I’m still in the process of fine-tuning the design of Cloudscape through the 1:20 model, but that has all come to a standstill at the moment with too many other projects on the go. But I will return to it soon and the risk aspect of it will always be present. Looking up the etymology of risk which it seem is a bit uncertain, the origins of the word may come from ‘riscare’ or ‘running into danger’. So it is around diving in rather than standing on the edge. And I’ve mostly just stood on the edge, watching, working out what dangers could be present, but not acting. Thinking rather than acting. Rarely, if ever, ‘out of control’.
Like most things, I think there needs to be a balance.
Risking versus Control
I guess we all gain control of our environments in different ways and for different reasons. But I’m seeing that for me, as a details person and consequently perhaps a control freak of a sort. I think that I’ve needed to feel in control because I’m constantly sorting through so much minutiae in how I look at the world .. and needing to hold all those threads together and feel like I know what will happen next, and to have a sense of certainty over what will happen – not be tossed to the whim of the Universe or somebody else’s agenda. And I’ve had a determined mission to do things my way so that implies a fair need to control things and have them the way I like them. And to me it makes sense because it is what allows me to be in the world living toward my potential rather than sucked dry by external demands and expectations.
This is also an old blueprint that I am currently unravelling and exploring. Looking to see what serves me and what no longer serves me so I’m not carrying baggage that is holding me back. And being a collector, I’m bound to have a bit of baggage.
As part of my constant search for clarity and simplicity, I have not sought risk that brings chaos and drama to my life. I think I have used risk to feel life, but for me risking has mostly been : solo, close to the edge, of my own choosing, interesting in some way, exploring in some sort of extreme / unconventional way, conscious.
Enough rambling here. Off now to complete my current module on ‘facilitate the empowerment of people with disability’. I feel more aware of the limitations of disability even just from my shoulder injury. It has been helpful in many different ways.
Say Yes! to the universe
‘Say Yes! to the Universe’ is a concept that really speaks to me. It fits my view of seeing life as a huge lesson and each thing that happens, say Yes! and trust that it is leading you to where you need to go. And in writing this I just saw a place where I’ve been saying No! .. and so I see it’s time to turn that around. It has been around a determined refusal to shift my thinking and clinging to what is familiar and comfortable.
Is there anybody out there?
If you’ve read this and would like to respond with your own views or experiences of risk, please do.